That shift I was talking about on Friday?  All gone.  No more shifting.  I am just tired and frustrated and sad.  I feel like I can’t get enough sleep. And I hate eating.  And I am sick of talking to people about my food intake.  At this point, I just want to say what will make people happy vs. what is going on in my mind.  To that end, I dumped the rest of my last Gatorade out.  No more of that for me! (This is kind of flying in the face of an agreement I made with my Nutritionist that if I don’t meet all of my meal plan requirements in a day, I will supplement with a Gatorade…This is how I knew she was counting the calories and how I knew that I needed to stop drinking it. Plus she asked me if I was drinking the diet or regular Gatorade which wouldn’t matter unless the calories matter.)

Of course, my doctor was telling me that if I don’t meet my meal plan requirements then I should take the Seroquel daily to decrease my restricting urges. I told her that it was a great motivation to eat (so I won’t have to take daily Seroquel) but….I just don’t know.

I feel really pressured by everyone to do everything right.  I don’t want to drink Gatorade. I don’t want to take Seroquel every day.  I don’t want to fill out my stupid food log.  I don’t want to eat all that food.  I don’t want any of it.

Oh and I am having one of those I-am-going-to-gain-weight obsessive spells. I ate in a restaurant with a friend yesterday and I forgot my food journal, which really threw me.  And I didn’t have my list of exchanges, which really threw me. And I think I fucked up the exchanges (ate too much) though I have no data to support that.  And all I want to do is restrict to make up for it.  And since I can’t/am not supposed to restrict, I am now obsessing about my weight.

Hmm…And maybe the online bathing suit shopping isn’t helping any either.

Ugh…and I have a splitting headache.


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