I Just Need Help

Sometimes, I am not paying proper attention and I end up doing things that I don’t mean to do.  Yesterday, I ended up over-sharing with the AT and I sooo wish I could take it back.  I hadn’t meant to…I took in some papers I had written years and years ago (like 8-10 years ago) as they were about some of the similar struggles I have now.  Only, I didn’t want to dive into the content when I found them, so I only skimmed them.  And in one of them was some over-sharing info.  And I feel so annoyed at myself

I guess partly I am annoyed because the AT picked up on the info and kind of went on a tangent with it.  I was uncomfortable with the tangent because I didn’t realize the info was there, the tangent was about what I might do with the info (which I planned on doing nothing) and he probably thinks I dumped the info in his lap, which was really not what I did.

So, now I hate myself for not being more careful. And for oversharing. And for having the AT not understand. And for not being able to clarify for the AT.  And I am left with that feeling of, “Why do I share anything?  So, so, stupid!”

The AT must really think I am an idiot.  Now, I am so embarrassed that I don’t want to go back.  This is why there’s no point to sharing anything with anyone….It always comes back to bite me in the end.

I totally wish I would erase  that part of yesterday’s session…just make it have never happened.

In other news….I am still profoundly depressed.  I am yet again in a safety contract with the AT (to not harm myself between appointments).  It’s probably good because I look at things that I could hurt myself with and contemplate the possibility. A sharp lid off a can?  I pick it up to recycle it and think, “I could just slash my arm with this.”  Unloading clean knives from the dishwasher, I pause, contemplating what harm I could do with them.  I know this thinking is twisted and dark…It’s just what is in my head.

I don’t know how I am living like this.  I don’t know how I keep going every day.  And I don’t know when I will have had enough.

Plucky:  adjective    having or showing determined courage in the face of difficulties.

One thought on “I Just Need Help

  1. I hope and pray the dark thoughts die down for you soon. Keep going to the AT! I’m sure he understands the papers were things from years ago! It sucks when everything around you seems like a means to hurt yourself! I’ve been there before. It just sucks that it’s all consuming and you have to be strong enough to walk away from it! (((Hugs)))

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