Sometimes, I am not paying proper attention and I end up doing things that I don’t mean to do. Yesterday, I ended up over-sharing with the AT and I sooo wish I could take it back. I hadn’t meant to…I took in some papers I had written years and years ago (like 8-10 years ago) as they were about some of the similar struggles I have now. Only, I didn’t want to dive into the content when I found them, so I only skimmed them. And in one of them was some over-sharing info. And I feel so annoyed at myself
I guess partly I am annoyed because the AT picked up on the info and kind of went on a tangent with it. I was uncomfortable with the tangent because I didn’t realize the info was there, the tangent was about what I might do with the info (which I planned on doing nothing) and he probably thinks I dumped the info in his lap, which was really not what I did.
So, now I hate myself for not being more careful. And for oversharing. And for having the AT not understand. And for not being able to clarify for the AT. And I am left with that feeling of, “Why do I share anything? So, so, stupid!”
The AT must really think I am an idiot. Now, I am so embarrassed that I don’t want to go back. This is why there’s no point to sharing anything with anyone….It always comes back to bite me in the end.
I totally wish I would erase that part of yesterday’s session…just make it have never happened.
In other news….I am still profoundly depressed. I am yet again in a safety contract with the AT (to not harm myself between appointments). It’s probably good because I look at things that I could hurt myself with and contemplate the possibility. A sharp lid off a can? I pick it up to recycle it and think, “I could just slash my arm with this.” Unloading clean knives from the dishwasher, I pause, contemplating what harm I could do with them. I know this thinking is twisted and dark…It’s just what is in my head.
I don’t know how I am living like this. I don’t know how I keep going every day. And I don’t know when I will have had enough.
Plucky: adjective having or showing determined courage in the face of difficulties.