I have been having some issues this week. First of all my PTSD has been heightened and I am edgy all of the time. Lots of things set off my startling and after a while, it is just exhausting. Yesterday, every time my cell phone chimed to let me know I had a text or an email or whatever, I literally physically jumped. Other little noises set me off to. I really don’t like days like that (and I have had several).
I have been having a hard time sleeping at night. I wake up over and over and then sometimes when I am awake, I am awake for a while and just can’t fall back asleep. Last night, I slept better, but had stressful dreams. And I had one of those episodes where I woke up on the night and had no idea where I was. I was so confused…and scared. I was looking at the walls in the dark and just couldn’t orient myself. I am not sure what clued me in that I was here in my home (both physically and in terms of time) and in my own bedroom. Come to think….Some of my dreams last night were about being in the house I grew up in. I guess my brain got all confused.
One of the most damning issues I have been having this week is super-negative body image and body shame. I can’t stand my body because it is disgusting. I hate being seen. I don’t want to eat because I hate how my body looks and I want to change it. I don’t want to take the new medication my PNP has prescribed for me because I hate my body and am desperately afraid the medicine will make me gain weight. And my thoughts are pretty extreme, like so much so that I am embarrassed to say what ultimatum rattles around in my head regarding weight gain. I know it is extreme, illogical and dangerous…And I know to anyone else, it would sound ridiculous and dramatic. And nope, I am not going to share it as I can’t bear the shame.
Let’s see, what else this week? I don’t feel worthy of the support of Team Heidi. I feel awkward and ashamed that they care so much (ashamed because I don’t deserve the help and that I take up their time and energy.) I am struggling with social isolation. I don’t want people to see me (see above body shame topic) and I don’t have the energy to be social or make plans. I am struggling with eating (that’s probably not a surprise). I don’t know, everything is hard right now and I am exhausted and overwhelmed.
I wish I had some sense that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, I don’t even know what I am working towards anymore.