Femininity

I have a secret.  I love girly-girl things.

And girly-girl terrifies me.  Right down to the very traumatized preschool-me core.  And this is part of why I hate my body.  And hate being female.

I was thinking about this on Wednesday, when I was turning some pants into capris for summer wear and added a little bit of ribbon along the hems.  I am tickled with the little bits of ribbon, they are so pretty!  But at the same time, I was/am really aware that I added a smidge of femininity to my pants  which is really scary to me.  I can’t handle being female as it is just the un-safest thing for me.  And anything feminine just advertises the fact that I am female.

Plus of course, I think my body is disgusting.  So, even if I wanted to look feminine and pretty, it isn’t going to happen anyway.  So…why bother?

But it doesn’t prevent me from looking at girly things on websites and in catalogs and wishing for the me-that-I-will-never-be.  Which of course is a trap as it just makes me hate myself more.  It’s sort of like psychological self-harming.

Sometimes, I am kind of amazed at how much of my world has been framed by my sexual abuse.  It’s like everything became black and white.  Being female is bad. Being feminine is bad. Men are scary. The world is unsafe. My body is gross. I hate who I am. Etc, etc.  It’s like everything changed….Or at least my perception of everything.

I know that I am a fucking mess right now. And I am glad the AT is helping me pick up the pieces.  I am glad my PNP is prescribing me meds so that I can tolerate the therapy process. And I am glad that they and the rest of Team Heidi (including friends and family) are supporting me so that I don’t kill myself with my ED…or kill myself period.

But this is a crazy-hard journey and it is wearing me out. 😦

 

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