I have been hungry all afternoon and I have refused to eat. There is a word for that: Restricting. Hello, Eating Disorder!
Why am I restricting? Well, partly because it is what I do. Food=weight gain. No food=weight loss. Weight loss is what I want. Weight gain is my nightmare. So, that’s partly why I am restricting.
But this morning had a rough start and even though I muddled through and then spent a couple of hours outdoors gardening and spent the afternoon watching a movie with dh and ds….I am still having a really hard time. It is one of those days when the distractions get me through, but it requires a huge amount of energy and as soon as the distractions end, I am left with me and my thoughts. And I am not very good company for myself today.
So…what is the restricting about? It is about managing feelings of frustration, inadequacy, insecurity, self-loathing and shame. And the best way I know to make that all go away is restricting. Ummm….not true, self-harming does it too. But not always enough. Restricting gives me control and makes me feel better.
Today, I am practicing invisible restricting, which means that unless I confess, no one will know I am restricting. I will meet my meal plan for the day. No one will know that I spent 3+ hours hungry and refusing to eat. Or that I skipped putting butter and maple syrup on my waffles this morning, or that I went scant with some of my portion measuring (or that I am not even supposed to be measuring). Officially, I have been adherent with my meal plan.
Of course, part of my shame is that I have broken two clauses of my safety contract (the one with my PNP) so far today. And I am really embarrassed to have to tell her. She has been working so hard to help me and I feel like my inability to keep up with the contract is disrespectful to her. Like, really, I should be a better patient.
I am so tired and so frustrated with this battle…And I don’t just mean the ED, I mean the depression, trauma, PTSD, anxiety and all the tangled mess that comes with it.
