Invisible Restricting

I have been hungry all afternoon and I have refused to eat.  There is a word for that: Restricting.  Hello, Eating Disorder!

Why am I restricting?  Well, partly because it is what I do.  Food=weight gain.  No food=weight loss.  Weight loss is what I want.  Weight gain is my nightmare.  So, that’s partly why I am restricting.

But this morning had a rough start and even though I muddled through and then spent a couple of hours outdoors gardening and spent the afternoon watching a movie with dh and ds….I am still having a really hard time.  It is one of those days when the distractions get me through, but it requires a huge amount of energy and as soon as the distractions end, I am left with me and my thoughts. And I am not very good company for myself today.

So…what is the restricting about? It is about managing feelings of frustration, inadequacy, insecurity, self-loathing and shame.  And the best way I know to make that all go away is restricting.  Ummm….not true, self-harming does it too.  But not always enough.  Restricting gives me control and makes me feel better.

Today, I am practicing invisible restricting, which means that unless I confess, no one will know I am restricting.  I will meet my meal plan for the day.  No one will know that I spent 3+ hours hungry and refusing to eat. Or that I skipped putting butter and maple syrup on my waffles this morning, or that I went scant with some of my portion measuring (or that I am not even supposed to be measuring).  Officially, I have been adherent with my meal plan.

Of course, part of my shame is that I have broken two clauses of my safety contract (the one with my PNP) so far today.  And I am really embarrassed to have to tell her.  She has been working so hard to help me and I feel like my inability to keep up with the contract is disrespectful to her.  Like, really, I should be a better patient.

I am so tired and so frustrated with this battle…And I don’t just mean the ED, I mean the depression, trauma, PTSD, anxiety and all the tangled mess that comes with it.



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