Awkwardness and Shame

I feel like my blog posts have been a bit wander-y in terms of thoughts for the past few days.  I guess that makes sense because I feel kind of lost and wander-y.  But I think getting the thoughts out of my head is good.  Too much in my head and things get complicated.

Today, I see the AT.  The AT was on vacation all of last week and yesterday as well.  So, I missed four visits with him.  Instead of obsessing about it, I just kind of ignored the whole thing.  Plus, I am been in the capable hands of my PNP for the past week and a half, so I got the support I needed without bugging the AT during his vacation.  Of course, my poor PNP got exposed to my extra crazy.  She’s been supporting me via texts, with twice a day check ins.  I tend to be more unfiltered via text and so more of my crazy slipped out.  I feel kind of awkward about it….But then again, I feel awkward about ashamed about everything, so the texting shouldn’t be any different.

The texting has been helpful.  I do honestly think that the accountability has decreased my self-harming for the past 10 days.  And the restricting too.  However, I feel guilty about the texting, even though I have been told I don’t need to, so I gave my PNP a chance to get out of the texts last night (since the AT is back).  In the end, we mutually agreed that the texting check ins are helpful, so we will continue them for the time being.

I suppose I should check in with the AT about it and see if he cares.  Ugh…I am kind of uncomfortable about my therapy appointment today.  I still feel embarrassed about the over-sharing from the week before he left.  I was kind of hoping the feeling would have worn off….But I still feel kind of stupid about it and ashamed.  And the over-share, plus my reaction to it makes me feel vulnerable.  And you know how much I hate feeling vulnerable.

Hmmmm….Now my mind has gotten all wander-y again in terms of what to write about.  I think I will pause for now and save some of my wander-y for tomorrow’s post.

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