I did not hear back from the place yesterday.  My negative thoughts lead me to the conclusions, “I am too much for them.  Even they can’t help me. I am a hopeless cause.”

Of course, it could be my opinion is skewed as I woke up super depressed this morning.

I have cleared off my art table and am going to start assembling the items I need to pack.  Since I have done this before, I have a better sense of what I need/don’t need. Right now the only thing on the table is some stationary and a list of things I need to buy i.e. toiletries.

And now, I wait until Monday.  Hopefully, they will call on Monday.

Yesterday Sucked

When I woke up this morning, I had to check to see if I was in one piece.  Yesterday was a brutal day emotionally and I wasn’t sure if I had actually survived.  Honestly, the best part of yesterday was going to bed so that the intense emotions would turn off.  And yup, I still feel a bit sensitive/fragile, but I am indeed in one piece today.

Basically, I had one of those days where I just ended up crying. A lot.  It started with texting my PNP in the morning and she said something that I got both angry and hurt about.  I put my phone down and just cried.

A while after that, I had an intake assessment phone call with the residential facility that I am hoping to go to.  Now, these phone interviews are long, at least an hour long, and pretty intense.  They go over every detail of your eating disorder and of your co-occurring mental illness(es).  It is like being stripped naked emotionally and made to stand in front of a crowd…Just exposing every detail of what I struggle with the most and to a total stranger. Awful.  Plus it totally highlights exactly how fucked-up I am.

But that wasn’t the worst part.  The worst part was the trauma history part.  The facility wanted to know details…Physical abuse? Emotional abuse? Sexual abuse?  And details…If you were physically abused, how often? By whom? With what?  Emotional abuse: In what way? By who? For how long?  Sexual abuse had the same questions and, Did you tell anyone about it/report it?

After the phone call was over, I hung up and burst into tears.  The phone call was sooo triggering!  Of course, the timing of the call was such that I had to immediately make and eat lunch (ha!) and then run out to triple-decker appointments.  So, I forced food into my body and launched into the afternoon, even though I was emotionally raw, PTSD triggered and feeling fucked-up beyond repair.  Basically, I was holding out for my AT appointment. I just needed to keep myself together until Art Therapy and then it would be okay to fall apart.

I actually did keep myself corralled until therapy.  And that occurred even though I had an embarrassing/shame part of my doctor’s appointment.  The shame didn’t help my emotional misery, but I didn’t cry…So I consider that a win.

I did cry during therapy.  Honestly, I didn’t really do much during therapy, I was too triggered to do anything.  After a little bit, I asked if I could draw and I sat at the art table and drew purple spirals over and over on a piece of paper.  It made me feel better and I was able to self-regulate enough to talk to the AT a little bit. But then the appointment ended.  I really didn’t want to have to leave.  I feel safe with the AT…I didn’t want to have to leave that feeling .

I don’t actually remember much about the rest of the afternoon or about dinner.  But after dinner, I snuggled with dh on the couch and felt warm and safe.  And finally, I decided to just go to bed and make the day end.  Sometimes, the easiest thing is to just throw in the towel and start over again the next day.

And today will be better. I have a fun play date with SS, Pixie and Blossom that I have been looking forward to for a looong time.

I also will hear back from the treatment place today to and will find out what level of care they accept me at.  And then the ball will really be rolling and I will soon be off for round two of treatment.



Bullet List

Yesterday in bullets:

  • It was too hot. 90 degrees in mid-June is too hot!  But oddly…It was nice too.
  • Nutrition appt was same-old-same-old and unproductive.  I might have to do something about that.
  • Met all my food exchanges for the day.
  • Drank my whole Gatorade for the day.
  • The AT implied I don’t take my eating disorder seriously enough
  • I asked the AT why I always tell him everything and he replied, “Because you trust me.”  Yeah…I do.  I am not sure he realizes how significant that is.
  • Despite the body-shaming messages my eating disorder gives me, I wore a sleeveless shirt yesterday afternoon (out in public!).
  • I got no closer to resolution about what treatment facility to choose.
  • A peer of mine said to me, “You have to stay on [recovery] track so that I can stay on track.” This gave me some pause for thought.  I don’t want to throw anyone else’s recovery (which is easy to do) by not being applied enough to my own.
  • I only did 60 mins of physical activity.







Suicide. Who Will Be Next?

Found out this morning that one of my treatment peers tried to jump off a bridge on Friday night.  Luckily,  the police were called and got her off the bridge, but she somehow talked them out of taking her for a pscyh eval.

Then she deleted her Facebook account.


Moving Slowly

Today is one of those days…Like I really am surprised I even bothered to get out of bed.  I am drained and don’t feel like putting up the fight today.  As it is, I delayed getting up by an hour and a half.  But the Big Dog and Little Dog expect their morning walk (which is now about an hour late) and so I am at least making an effort to function.  Honestly, they may not actually get their walk…But I am not sure hiding in my bed all day is the best solution for my brain.

Plus of course, I have my Appointment of Shame (Nutritionist) this morning and then therapy this afternoon.  I would be more than happy to skip this morning’s appointment, but I do want to go to therapy.


The Wisdom Of Biebs

I don’t really have much new to say today.  I keep thinking about my friend who killed herself and what led her to that decision. And I keep thinking about her wake and the peers of mine that went to the wake.  I have stopped a lot of the feelings I had about her death…The ED has taken care of the feelings for me.  Right now, my ED and I are playing tug-of-war, but I am not winning.  It pulls me a lot, I pull back…But right now it is a lot stronger and I am losing too much ground.

Anyway, I was texting with one of my Renfrew peers, Biebs, yesterday. She always has amazing insights and she is very eloquent. I thought I would put some of her words here so I can remember them.

 I read something on your blog about you feeling like dealing with the abuse from 40 yrs ago shouldn’t be such a big deal. Or whatever you said, it was minimizing it. Friend, you have great dignity, worth, value, and grace. Many years ago, your dignity was attacked. Your dignity as a person is part of who you are. It was violated and thus taken. You are dealing with effects that stem from the deepest pain and scarring. I don’t understand all this pain. I don’t understand much. But I know it mustn’t be minimized.
This is such a hard time for you and I know I wouldn’t know the half of it. And I know it doesn’t just seem like a hard ‘time’ or season. But it is. This season will end somehow. And next season, the one of healing, will look different. Who knows what the pain will feel like. Or the scarring. But it will be different and I’ve got to think somehow different. Who knows. Oh, press on, dear friend. This too shall pass. Kate and I love you very much.

Kate is her cat. 🙂

The one thing I will say about Biebs comments is that although she is not me and does not have my pain and trauma, I think she has a better understanding of how I feel than she gives herself credit for, because I think she experiences very deep pain too. As a matter of fact that deep pain was really a shared pain of all of us in ED treatment.  Yes, we all had different causes and different ways we expressed the pain (except for the ED) but we all had deep and intense pain and really, we all still do.

I like the idea that I am maybe on the cusp of the Season of Healing.  I am sooo hoping that is what the trauma treatment will open up for me….Overriding my self-vitriole and self-destruction with growth and healing.  This is what I am holding onto at the moment, that maybe a positive end is finally coming.  But it is a hesitant hope, because often when I hope for things, I end up disappointed.  And it is not enough hope to kick my ED out of the driver’s seat.

I Know What I Am Feeling Is Wrong

Rough evening last night.  It was the wake for my friend who killed herself.  I didn’t go to the wake, nor did I want to.  But yesterday, I was having a hard time processing her death.  And last evening, I was really upset.  My feelings are conflicting so  I am confused and I am sad.  And I am even jealous, for which I feel incredible shame and guilt. I am jealous that she is no longer in constant pain, but I still am.


Next Steps

It looks like I am going to be getting the help that I need. My team has been collaborating as to what will be best for me. At this point consensus (and this includes my opinion too!) is that I am in need of residential treatment again, this time to address the trauma and the eating disorder.  While frustrating for me because I want to do everything by myself, or at least with the help of Team Heidi, the relief I feel is significant.  My thoughts and actions have been disturbing to me…Well…at times just plain scary to me.  And I cannot pull myself together.  Getting intensive treatment will help keep me safe and give me a solid foundation to continue recovery work (both trauma and eating disorder) at home.

I do get really mad at myself though.  I tried to ask the AT about this yesterday…Like how come I am such a wreck?  My sexual abuse should not be such a big deal.  It should not have shaped me into this devolving mess.  I should not be struggling with it some 40 years later.  What is wrong with me?

I guess I want to minimize what happened.  If I can convince myself it wasn’t a big deal, then I don’t have to address it. And maybe all my symptoms will go away.  But denial and minimizing across the decades is exactly what got me here.  If I don’t address it, will I even make it until another birthday?  How long can I deal with all of this before I hit the end of my rope?

Luckily, I wont have to find out since I am going to be getting more intensive help.

So, the where and when of the treatment is still up in the air.  I am researching a handful of places and my PNP will be calling them soon.  I am sure the goal is to get me in ASAP, so I don’t lose my shit in the mean time.

I don’t want to be too hopeful about all of this, because hope just leads to disappointment. But relief…Yup.  I will admit to that.