I did not hear back from the place yesterday.  My negative thoughts lead me to the conclusions, “I am too much for them.  Even they can’t help me. I am a hopeless cause.”

Of course, it could be my opinion is skewed as I woke up super depressed this morning.

I have cleared off my art table and am going to start assembling the items I need to pack.  Since I have done this before, I have a better sense of what I need/don’t need. Right now the only thing on the table is some stationary and a list of things I need to buy i.e. toiletries.

And now, I wait until Monday.  Hopefully, they will call on Monday.

Yesterday Sucked

When I woke up this morning, I had to check to see if I was in one piece.  Yesterday was a brutal day emotionally and I wasn’t sure if I had actually survived.  Honestly, the best part of yesterday was going to bed so that the intense emotions would turn off.  And yup, I still feel a bit sensitive/fragile, but I am indeed in one piece today.

Basically, I had one of those days where I just ended up crying. A lot.  It started with texting my PNP in the morning and she said something that I got both angry and hurt about.  I put my phone down and just cried.

A while after that, I had an intake assessment phone call with the residential facility that I am hoping to go to.  Now, these phone interviews are long, at least an hour long, and pretty intense.  They go over every detail of your eating disorder and of your co-occurring mental illness(es).  It is like being stripped naked emotionally and made to stand in front of a crowd…Just exposing every detail of what I struggle with the most and to a total stranger. Awful.  Plus it totally highlights exactly how fucked-up I am.

But that wasn’t the worst part.  The worst part was the trauma history part.  The facility wanted to know details…Physical abuse? Emotional abuse? Sexual abuse?  And details…If you were physically abused, how often? By whom? With what?  Emotional abuse: In what way? By who? For how long?  Sexual abuse had the same questions and, Did you tell anyone about it/report it?

After the phone call was over, I hung up and burst into tears.  The phone call was sooo triggering!  Of course, the timing of the call was such that I had to immediately make and eat lunch (ha!) and then run out to triple-decker appointments.  So, I forced food into my body and launched into the afternoon, even though I was emotionally raw, PTSD triggered and feeling fucked-up beyond repair.  Basically, I was holding out for my AT appointment. I just needed to keep myself together until Art Therapy and then it would be okay to fall apart.

I actually did keep myself corralled until therapy.  And that occurred even though I had an embarrassing/shame part of my doctor’s appointment.  The shame didn’t help my emotional misery, but I didn’t cry…So I consider that a win.

I did cry during therapy.  Honestly, I didn’t really do much during therapy, I was too triggered to do anything.  After a little bit, I asked if I could draw and I sat at the art table and drew purple spirals over and over on a piece of paper.  It made me feel better and I was able to self-regulate enough to talk to the AT a little bit. But then the appointment ended.  I really didn’t want to have to leave.  I feel safe with the AT…I didn’t want to have to leave that feeling .

I don’t actually remember much about the rest of the afternoon or about dinner.  But after dinner, I snuggled with dh on the couch and felt warm and safe.  And finally, I decided to just go to bed and make the day end.  Sometimes, the easiest thing is to just throw in the towel and start over again the next day.

And today will be better. I have a fun play date with SS, Pixie and Blossom that I have been looking forward to for a looong time.

I also will hear back from the treatment place today to and will find out what level of care they accept me at.  And then the ball will really be rolling and I will soon be off for round two of treatment.



Bullet List

Yesterday in bullets:

  • It was too hot. 90 degrees in mid-June is too hot!  But oddly…It was nice too.
  • Nutrition appt was same-old-same-old and unproductive.  I might have to do something about that.
  • Met all my food exchanges for the day.
  • Drank my whole Gatorade for the day.
  • The AT implied I don’t take my eating disorder seriously enough
  • I asked the AT why I always tell him everything and he replied, “Because you trust me.”  Yeah…I do.  I am not sure he realizes how significant that is.
  • Despite the body-shaming messages my eating disorder gives me, I wore a sleeveless shirt yesterday afternoon (out in public!).
  • I got no closer to resolution about what treatment facility to choose.
  • A peer of mine said to me, “You have to stay on [recovery] track so that I can stay on track.” This gave me some pause for thought.  I don’t want to throw anyone else’s recovery (which is easy to do) by not being applied enough to my own.
  • I only did 60 mins of physical activity.







Suicide. Who Will Be Next?

Found out this morning that one of my treatment peers tried to jump off a bridge on Friday night.  Luckily,  the police were called and got her off the bridge, but she somehow talked them out of taking her for a pscyh eval.

Then she deleted her Facebook account.


Moving Slowly

Today is one of those days…Like I really am surprised I even bothered to get out of bed.  I am drained and don’t feel like putting up the fight today.  As it is, I delayed getting up by an hour and a half.  But the Big Dog and Little Dog expect their morning walk (which is now about an hour late) and so I am at least making an effort to function.  Honestly, they may not actually get their walk…But I am not sure hiding in my bed all day is the best solution for my brain.

Plus of course, I have my Appointment of Shame (Nutritionist) this morning and then therapy this afternoon.  I would be more than happy to skip this morning’s appointment, but I do want to go to therapy.