You know about those triple-decker appointment days? Today was a quadruple-decker appointment day. I started at 12:30 and by 4:00 I has seen everybody on Team Heidi. <phew> I am tired!
- Nutrition: We discussed Invisible Restricting (as described in that blog a few days ago.) Plus over-exercising. Evidently, hour long walks on hilly terrain is too much exercise for my calorie intake Then when you add 1 1/2 hours of heavy yard work after the walk…Well…then that is way too much. Of course, I am good with it…But the Nutritionist? Not so much. Her solution? Either limit my exercise to 45 mins a day. Or increase my meal plan. Ummm…..No, increasing the meal plan is not gonna happen. I think that falls under, “Ways to give Heidi a nervous breakdown.” And limiting exercise? Welllll……Let’s just say, we’ll see about that. I like negating my calories by exercising. Why would I want to change it?
- Primary Physician: Was pleased to see me in better spirits this week. Of course, I am pretty pleased to see me in better spirits too! Also, Thursdays are my weigh-in day. And you know what I figured out? If I want to know my weight, all I would have to do is watch the nurse type it in. This thought dawned on me as she sat down to enter it into the computer. And I quickly looked away. Somehow, as desperately as I want to know how much I weigh, I am also really afraid because I might have gained weight. And I know this is potentially an irrational fear….But, it is what my ED tries to tell me, that I have gained weight and therefore need to restrict it away. Of course, knowing that I have lost weight is a trap too because my ED will be sooo excited and want more. I guess not knowing is the safest thing for me right now, even if it does lead to obsessive fits of wanting to know my weight. Overall, the appointment was good. My doctor was thoughtful and empathetic and and we talked about the blog (she had mentioned it a couple of times recently) and I asked if she wanted to look at it and she does. So, now enters another member of Team Heidi into the crazy, complicated and uncensored version of what is in my brain. In for a penny, in for a pound…..
- PNP: For some reason my PNP concurs with the Nutritionist about the over-exercising. Go figure! And she spent a lot of time trying to appeal to my logical side. And I spent a lot of time trying to say that I am good with the calorie imbalance I have created. And she tried to point out the long-term implications of restricting and I ….Well, I don’t really know. Thus is the ED conundrum. Restrict and control and feel good at the expense of my health. Or don’t restrict, be out of control and maintain my health. See…when I type it, it seems a bit simpler, health is good. But then…Restricting is so appealing too. And around and around it goes in my head.
- Art Therapy: Have I ever mentioned that I hate feeling things? And really, feelings themselves kind of suck! (And come to think of it, feelings came up with my doctor today too…It’s like feelings are important or something!) The feelings part of the AT appointment, I will save for tomorrow’s blog. Aside from feelings we looked at some art I had done since my last appointment. And then we looked a bit more at some of my art from Art Therapy at Renfrew. Of course, it was one of those pieces of art that gave me a little emotional melt-down. <sigh> Everything is so hard. I wonder what it would be like to have an uncomplicated life…Well, it’s probably not worth thinking about, I am pretty sure I drew a short straw when it came to having a “normal” life. Pining for one will only lead to disappointment.