And then my mood drops like a rock.
Last night I had nightmares. One of them jolted me awake and I tried to keep my eyes open so that I wouldn’t fall back asleep and slide into the same nightmare. The nightmare was about trying to keep bad guys out of my house and trying to close the windows and lock them, but of course they wouldn’t close. And there was stuff about the bad guys and my dogs getting loose and all sorts of weird and scary things happening.(This is the one that really jolted me awake.) Another nightmare involved hanging onto rocks that were absolutely vertical, but craggy and right above some really deep and murky water. I was terrified of falling in the water and I was clinging to the rocks and couldn’t move. The dream transitioned to me on top of the rocks on the sandy beach and I knocked over a guy’s motorcycle, which made him really mad and he chased me. I ran into buildings and tried hiding and then ran into some place with piles of clothes and blankets on the floor. I was going to try to hide under them, but suddenly my dog was with me and I couldn’t get us both covered in time. There was no resolution, the dream sort of ended with the menace of being found.
Another nightmare was much more scattered and included a part about me helping a woman with her babies. I was washing them in a sink because she didn’t know how to. I couldn’t get the water warm enough and it was spilling and sloshing over the edges of the sink. The littler baby slid under the water and I didn’t notice right away, I pulled him up and he sputtered a bit, but was okay. Then I was drying them off and dressing them and handed the little one to his mom and while I did that the bigger baby pooped, but was diaperless because I hadn’t gotten to dressing him yet. And he was playing in his poop and just covered in it. So, I had to bathe him again, but the water still wouldn’t get warm enough. At this point, I had a huge mess of water and poop and towels around the sink and on the floor. I had to take the baby back to his mom, who at that point was somewhere else….Which meant I had to leave the mess and I knew I was going to get in big trouble for leaving the mess. I tried explaining (not sure to who) that I would be back to clean it up…But I was terrified of getting in trouble.
Lovely, eh? And baby dreams….I haven’t had “save the baby” dreams (in this dream, educating their mom how to bathe them was saving them, as well as keeping the little baby from drowning) in a really long time. It was one of my constant nightmare themes for years. What is going on in my brain?
When I woke up this morning, my thoughts went pretty much immediately to suicidal ideation, urges to self-harm and intense self-loathing and shame. Looks like everything is back to normal in my world.
And this is why I never count on my good mood lasting. Because it never does.
Today, I see the nutritionist. After the weekend I just had, I would rather crawl under a rock than go see her. And then in the afternoon, I see the AT. I am not sure I am up to emotional upheaval today….Or I suppose, I already have the emotional upheaval, I just don’t want to deal with it or really deal with anything today.