Sliding Backwards

Yesterday was the worst day since I got home from treatment in terms of my eating. I restricted like crazy.  And  I couldn’t snap out of it. And I was wholly prepared to skip dinner completely, but a friend kind of nudged shoved me in the right direction and asked me for accountability.  I did eat dinner, but not nearly what I was supposed to.

Today is worse. I have no idea how to even start to eat today.

Yesterday was horrible and intense for me emotionally, so I guess it makes sense that restricting would be worse today….I just don’t know how to overcome it.  My ED is just screaming at me and it is all I can hear.

And I slept horribly last night.  I stayed up late (I think I was procrastinating to avoid more nightmares) and then I slept fitfully all night.  I remember dreaming…but not what I dreamed about, which is perhaps good.  But when I am super over-tired, I tend to not make the best rationale choices, and that is the last thing I need today.

Today, I need structure and firm support.  And I don’t know that I can give it to myself.  Nor do I really want it from anyone else.  Except that I really need it.

My Team is going to hate me.  Heck, I hate me.  I’ve got to do recovery better…Because right now, I just am utterly failing.

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