Fantasy Emails To My Team

(I can’t get this post to format right…Sorry if it is hard to read.)

The email I didn’t send to my PNP and the AT:

Okay….Strangely, you both seem to think my meal plan is important.

Here is my meal plan strategy: I have developed some new “safe foods” and for the moment, I am going to ignore the trap of safe foods and focus on the fact that getting food into my body is important.  I can deal with food diversifying at a later date.  Anyway, somehow grilled cheese sandwiches have fallen into the “safe food” category.  I was out of cheese to make them, so on the way home I stopped at the grocery store and bought the right kind of cheese.  That will get me started.  Also, edamame is a safe food and I have plenty of that in the freezer.

Tonight, I am going to do the best I can with dinner, with the goal of meeting my usual dinner exchanges.  Then tomorrow, my goal is to get back on track.  I am going to take it one meal at a time, but really focus on making my exchanges at breakfast as that is the meal that I really tend to short the most.

The exercise/physical activity/increasing meal plan issue will also be on hold for the moment.  Again, I can deal with it more later, but right now, I just need to get back up to my current plan.  I don’t even know if I can get my plan back up in just a day, but I am getting the impression that it is not really a choice.  Or as [PNP] said to me a while back, “Restricting is not an option.”  I will still be doing physical activity, I refuse to just stop, but again, I will address what to do about that later.

Safety-wise, I am now doubled-up with safety contracts.  If I stop restricting, I am afraid the self-harming will pop up more…I can’t quite find a balance of managing all my shit without some sort of outlet, even if it is maladaptive coping. Anyway, the three main points of the contracts are; 1. No restricting. 2. No self-harming. 3. No suicide.

And yes, at the moment, I am thinking more rationally…Unfortunately, the ED is still right there on my shoulder telling me I am making bad choices by trying to eat according to my meal plan. I am really, really trying to ignore it, but it is very convincing.

I do appreciate all the support you give me.

I wrote that email yesterday afternoon, but then I couldn’t send it.  I feel like it is more optimistic and rational than I really feel.  I think it is a product of my wanting to be perfect and always wanting to do the right thing. I said all the right things in the email and I was thinking more rationally, but it felt hollow to me…Because that ED on my shoulder is still running the show.

 And I am desperately afraid my team is going to have had enough of me and my craziness.  I want them to think I have my shit together, and that everything is as easy peasy as my plan in the above email….But it’s not. I am pretty much a train wreck.  I am so afraid that everyone will develop compassion fatigue and give up on me.  I am making myself sick by pressuring myself to get better faster and to do it the “right” way.
 Here’s what I probably should say in an email:
 I feel like I am fucked up beyond repair and that I don’t have the wherewithal to endure my emotional mess so that I can heal.  As a matter-of-fact, I feel like I will never heal and that scares me to death. I can’t live like this.  I can’t be in constant pain.  I can’t keep pulling myself together and making myself function.
Every day, it is a challenge for me to drag myself out of bed and face the day.  If I don’t have appointments, I don’t bother to get dressed if I don’t have to. I don’t shower unless I have to.  I don’t eat unless I have to (and I recognize that I have to eat all of the time…which is why I eat more often than I’d like to.) I avoid lots of social engagements.  I just don’t care about trying anymore.
When I do have to go out, I try to look like I am functioning.  I know I am judged on appearance, so when I have appointments, I shower, I dress neatly and appropriately, I brush my hair, and I put on my facade. It’s not that I am not honest, I am just afraid of people seeing how intensely I feel my depression and all the shit connected with it. Of course, my facade quickly fails me in therapy and with my PNP.  I can keep it on longer with my doctor (in other words, I don’t melt into a crying mess every time I see her.)
Right now, my depression scares me.  And my reasoning scares me. And my eating disorder scares me.  And I don’t know what to do about it and I don’t know how to tell you about it.
But then, I just shake it all off.  I kind of give myself an internal, “Whatever.” and pack all of the crazy a bit deeper inside of me.
What I really need is help.  And I know you are trying to give it to me.  And I pressure myself like crazy to accept the help.  I am doing my best, even if it doesn’t feel good enough.
Of course, I can’t send an email in which I am a babbling, rambling mess.  Maybe a better email would be this:
I am really hurting right now and I need your help to contain the hurt and safely feel and express it.
I am really confused right now as I struggle with the colliding past and present.  And as I struggle with trying to take care of myself and not caring about myself enough to take care of myself.  And about me running my life and my eating disorder/mental illness running my life.
I want to live and I want to die.  I guess I want to live more, because I am still here and I still show up at every appointment and I keep trying even though it is really hard.
I am scared right now, because I feel like there is not much holding me together.  I am also scared of my feelings and their intensity.  And my inability to consistently make good choices about my safety.
I am scared that you all will get tired of helping me and I will be alone and drowning in my crazy.
I really do appreciate all the time and effort and support and caring you all show me.  I don’t feel like I deserve it, and yet you keep giving it to me.  This gives me some shreds of hope that maybe there is something in me worth salvaging.
Of course, by default, I am sharing this series of fantasy emails with my team because they all read the blog.  And they probably won’t be surprised by any of my babbling rambling mess and craziness…they tend to be pretty intuitive.
I don’t know…I just don’t know how to be me right now.  I am not even sure I know who I really am anymore.  I just am lost.

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