Barriers

Yesterday was pretty much a horrible day.  I did much better with the restricting and was only short by 2 exchanges.  This is good, I guess.  But as often happens, not being able to restrict made another maladaptive coping skill pop right up.

Have I ever mentioned that I suck at asking for help?  Yup.  I can tell people after the fact about maladaptive coping, but can’t reach out for help before I do it.  What is wrong with me?

When I was at Renfrew, there was a rule about how far you could walk.  Over-exercising was a no-no and so you could only walk from the edge of a parking lot, across the sidewalk in front of the residential building and then to the speed bump on the driveway.  The speed bump is short and squat and is not actually any sort of barrier.  And on our rebellious days, we would step over the speed bump just because we could. (But we never walked past it.)  Basically, the speed bump was an invisible barrier, it couldn’t really hold us back, but it did.

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Sometimes, I feel like my life is full of these barriers.  Most of them are from my own head.  I let them hold me back because I am so afraid of the repercussions of stepping over to the other side.   And I will do anything to not have to breach the barrier.  On occasion, I do step over my “speed bumps” but I can’t bear to see and feel what is on the other side, so I quickly step back to the safe side before I get myself in trouble.

And I manage all this with my maladaptive coping.  Hmmm….maybe my maladaptive coping is my speed bump.  I don’t know…Feelings, fear, anxiety, depression, restricting, self-harming, compulsive behaviors, dissociation, denial…It all feels like an insurmountable barrier.

Every afternoon at Renfrew, there was a supervised walk and under the watchful eye of an evening counselor, we could walk over the speed bump and allll the way to the end of the driveway.

Maybe, I should let my Team help lead me over my speed bumps.  I know they are watching to keep me safe.  I just have to trust myself to take the longer walk.

I don’t know.  I am just sooo tired and frustrated and depressed.  That stupid speed bump may as well be a huge brick wall, because I cannot get past it.  And I don’t know how to acccept help to get over it.  And I don’t even know what help I need.  So, I end up trying my own management skills, which we know hurt me more than help me.

Today, I see 3/4 of the team.  And I am pretty ashamed to see any of them.  After yesterday, I just want to crawl into a hole and fade away.  I don’t want to have to deal with myself.

One thought on “Barriers

  1. Hang in there, Heidi! You are working hard! Just want you to know that you are worth it all! And, that I love you and am cheerleading you on! Not to mention, praying for you!

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