How bad is my eating disorder?
Yesterday morning, breakfast was awful. As part of my safety contracts, I am supposed to eat all my food as per my meal plan, i.e. not restrict. I was crying before I even sat down to eat. And I cried while I ate. I kept feeling like I was going to throw up. And eventually, I gagged as I forced myself to eat and just about threw up on the table. (Thank goodness no one was home, except me, so I didn’t have witnesses to this.)
The only solution for eating breakfast was to exercise after breakfast. (Which is a form of purging, not restricting, so is not in violation of my contract.) So, me and the dogs went on a long walk and up a big hill.
Then I spent the rest of the morning crying on an off and feeling jittery and agitated and just crawling out of my skin wanting to use maladaptive coping skills. It was ugly.
I had a lunch date with a friend that I desperately wanted to cancel…but she needed my help with picking up a rental car and I had told her I would give her a ride. And I also kind of knew that I needed to get out of the house…So, I went.
Lunch was okay…Eating was the last thing I wanted to do and I felt kind of ill looking at the food on my plate. Mid-meal, my friend got up to use the restroom and I thought to myself, “I could just hide some of this food in my napkin and not eat it and she wouldn’t know.” I have never had those kinds of ED compulsions. Never. It’s the last fucking thing I need right now. Anyway, I did not hide the food. I ate it.
So, my friend and I spent a few hours together and then I dropped her off at the rental car place. I got into my car and within about three minutes, my thoughts went right back to their dreary darkness. It’s like I just can’t get a break. I can be distracted (mostly) but as soon as the distraction ends, I am right back where I started. So, I drove home wishing I was dead and trying not to use maladaptive coping methods.
And I think I have figured something out…I can’t handle alone time. I kind of knew this before…but today just highlighted it. And I am furious at myself for needing a babysitter. And for not being able to cope on my own. I am a grown adult, I should be able to be by myself and be safe. I am soo angry that I am so weak right now.
But…back to food. Dinner was hard. I got most of it down, but towards the end, I really had to keep from gagging on the food again. It’s like my body just is rejecting the eating process.
And with all the food I ate yesterday, I feel disgusting. I am obsessing over the calories and I just want to make all the calories go away. However, I did meet my meal plan. Or at least the B meal plan. Technically, I did not restrict, but I am really skirting the boundary. How come I can recognize that, but am not able to fix it?
I really wish I hadn’t signed that safety contract with the AT and that I didn’t have the one with my PNP. The pressure of the contracts is killing me and I am really afraid of the repercussions if I fail. I don’t want the AT to fire me for breaking my contracts. But I know that at some point, he (and my PNP) are going to get sick of me breaking contracts and not doing things right. And I don’t know what will happen then.