I am not going to lie. I am restricting. Sure, it’s just little bits of restriction….Or big bits, depending on how you look at it. But I am restricting and that is all there is to it.
What I might have forgotten to mention is that I think technically, I am supposed to be eating a different (higher) meal plan. And I am supposed to be having afternoon snacks to make up for the over-exercising I’ve been doing. And I am skipping my Gatorades. And I am supposed to be eating a dessert every day (this might be instead of the snack not as well as, sometimes my Nutritionist confuses me.) Ummm….I think that is pretty much it.
In the past couple of days, while making an attempt at doing the “right” thing, I have realized how strong my ED urges are right now and how much I need to fulfill those urges. It is like I am powerless in terms of fighting the urges.
And of course, my mind already goes to….If I am a little bit non-adherent with my meal plan, then it won’t really matter if I am a lot non-adherent, right? What’s the difference? Restricting a little, restricting a lot…It’s all still restricting.
Here I am, with a written safety contract, presented to me by someone who really cares about me and my mental health, and when it comes down to brass tacks, I am not honoring that contract. The AT is going to hate me. Which is fine, I hate me…Why shouldn’t I alienate everyone around me and make them hate me too?
I have no fucking idea what to do anymore.
Since I am airing my dirty laundry, I should also probably admit that I have not been completely adherent with the self-harming part of the safety contract. I am not up to my usual self-harming, but Friday morning, I was in a fuck-it-all state of mind, so I deliberately did not take my psych meds. Actually, I didn’t take any of my meds. (Since then, I have been taking my meds correctly.)
What I am learning is my brain can find 101 ways to restrict and 101 ways to self-harm. Come to think, my doctor said something about this a couple of weeks ago. It’s not that I necessarily set out with an intention of restricting or self-harming, but basically, I have a compulsion to do it. And when I find a way to manage whatever symptom is most active at the moment, a new one sneaks up on me and takes over. I don’t even notice it when it is happening and then all of sudden, there I am with a new symptom to have to overcome.
Is it a wonder that I feel hopeless and discouraged? How can I have all this amazing support and still be constantly fucking up?
Okay…one more admission. Tomorrow, I was supposed to see my Nutritionist, but I schedule something else over my appointment time, so I cancelled my nutrition appointment. I am so sick of going to see the Nutritionist, I just decided to do something that I actually want to do tomorrow vs. something I am supposed to do. Maybe that’s okay, to give myself a break once in a while? I don’t know. For what it’s worth, I am keeping my AT appointment tomorrow…Not that he’s going to want to see me after this contract debacle. Ugh…I hate going to see him and feeling ashamed. I guess it is my own fault though. If only I had worked harder to keep the contract, then I wouldn’t have to be ashamed.
I wish I knew how to help myself, because I feel like I am not doing a very good job right now.
And I wish every blog post was not negative drivel.