When My Eating Disorder Gets In My Way and This Blog

When My Eating Disorder Gets In My Way

Yesterday, the AT said, “I can’t work with you anymore on your trauma until you get your eating disorder under control.”  He said this at the end of February/beginning of March…Part of what led to me going to Renfrew.  He also told me yesterday that he thinks I need a higher level of care.  Which I have heard in one way or another from most of the rest on the team.  It’s not that I don’t agree, because I do.  But it is disheartening.  And….there is a piece of me that is relieved.  I know I need more support right now.  I know I need some way to reign in my eating disorder craziness and I just am not in a place to do it.

I asked the AT yesterday if we could just pretend that I had never had trauma and then we wouldn’t have to work on all this stuff.  I want to feel safe by grasping onto the slippery straws of denial.  He said, “So, you want to be where you were before you started seeing me?”  Ummmm….no. I really don’t.  I was on the verge of a real break-down and had given up on everything, including living.  I don’t want to feel that way again.

Really, I don’t want to feel anything.  But perseverance on the part of the AT and the support from the rest of my team has made me feel safe enough to start feeling.  Only, feeling is terrifying, so my brain is constantly sabotaging the work I am doing.  And at the moment, the sabotage (eating disorder) is totally winning.  I want to push it aside and be me-Heidi again instead of eating-disorder-owns-Heidi.  But I can’t.  I just have this constant compulsion to engage in eating disorder symptoms.  Even when I try not to, the eating disorder over-rides me.

This is why I need extra help and a higher level of care.

lost

This Blog

The purpose of this blog is for me to dump stuff out of my brain and work my way through it in hopes that I will become a healthier, stable and happy person. My brain is a whirlwind of trauma, depression, ptsd, anxiety and eating disorder.  It is exhausting and frustrating and discouraging to have this constant spiral of mental illness in my head.  I am working my damnedest to sort through my trauma and the subsequent confusion and pain caused by my past colliding with my present.  And I am looking for the me that I buried years ago to keep her safe and away from further damage.

Yes, I have been talking about my eating disorder a lot lately…because it has become a pressing issue which threatens my mental and physical well-being.  And yes, I have been tagging my blog with “eating disorder” and “anorexia nervosa.”

But I want to be clear about two things:

I do not want my eating disorder.

This is not a pro-Ana blog.

There will be no tips, encouragement, tricks to lose weight or methods to deceive medical providers, family and friends on my blog.  I may discuss how my eating disorder is managing me, or urges it makes me feel or compulsions I have.  I may talk about ways in which my eating disorder is a step ahead of my recovery.  I may discuss symptoms I have and symptoms I engage in. But I am not writing any of that to encourage or support the active pursuit of eating disorders or engaging in eating disorder symptoms.  If that is what you are looking for, you will need to look elsewhere.  And if you are at a point in your eating disorder where you are seeking pro-Ana or pro-Mia information, then I really encourage you to seek help before you damage your body in a way that cannot be repaired.

And in case it wasn’t clear enough the first time:

I do not want my eating disorder.

This is not a pro-Ana blog.

Okay, that just had to be said.  Hopefully, I won’t have to say it again.

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