So Fucking Tired

I am just emotionally spent.  The news that one of my friends from treatment killed herself is disheartening in a way for which I have no words to express.   And when you are in residential treatment with someone, you get to know them on a more intimate level…You see them at four in the morning, half asleep, teeth not brushed, hair gone wild as you wait for morning vitals.  You see them putting on their make-up in the morning, making their way through their days with laughing, crying and determined perseverance, fighting for recovery at meals and watching as they face their inner demons one forkful at a time…And then ending the day, exhausted, spent, waiting with them in pajamas in the med line before you both stagger to bed and crashing for the night, only to repeat the whole process the next day.  There are not many people you get to know on that level and with that kind of personal intensity.

It is painful to me that her mental illness took her life.  I wish she had felt like she had other choices, other options, other anything than to kill herself.  But I understand the feeling of wanting to do anything to make the internal pain and turmoil stop.

This is a real blow to the recovery community of which I am a member.  We are all so close to the edge and emotionally unstable already…A suicide just adds to the overwhelm.

I was lucky enough to get an extra appointment in with the AT yesterday morning.  I sent him a one line email first thing, “Woke up to find out that one of my Renfrew friends killed herself Monday.”  I don’t know what I wanted from him….Just acknowledgement or support.  But he had an opening in his schedule, so I got to go to his safe office and work on my feelings.  He had me do a piece of art as a tribute to my friend.  And we talked a little bit and I cried.  And my feelings just wanted to consume me.

After that, I had a quiet, numb day.  I didn’t exercise at all, I didn’t garden, I didn’t really anything.  And that was okay.  I needed a “light” kind of day.  I even took a little nap (good escapism) with the Big Dog snuggling me on one side and the Tabby cat snuggling me on the other.  It was good.

But.  I didn’t eat.  I skipped breakfast. I skipped lunch.  I did eat some fruit at 2:00…not because I cared, but because I knew that the Team cared.  I did have dinner because dh and ds would have noticed if I didn’t.  But I didn’t make much of an effort to eat my normal kind of dinner. The eating disorder is always there to help me manage my feelings and make me feel better.  I love that.  And I hate it.

Today, I am a bit more balanced. I made myself eat breakfast.  I am still numb. I expect a quiet morning.  I might walk the dogs, I might not.  I have appointments all afternoon.  Hopefully, I will be less engaged in ED symptoms.  I already have a good start since I ate breakfast.

3 thoughts on “So Fucking Tired

  1. I am so sorry for your friend. How disheartening and upsetting! I can imagine how hard this must be for you right now. Look after yourself as best as you can at the moment and take it step by step. x

  2. (((Hugs))) and prayers for you. It’s hard to find out someone has taken their life because they were in so much pain and anguish. I’ve been through that three times in my life and it’s never easy. I am so glad you were able to have an AT session. Connecting with others seems to help a lot at times like that.

  3. Pingback: Departures | Rusty Pluck

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