It looks like I am going to be getting the help that I need. My team has been collaborating as to what will be best for me. At this point consensus (and this includes my opinion too!) is that I am in need of residential treatment again, this time to address the trauma and the eating disorder. While frustrating for me because I want to do everything by myself, or at least with the help of Team Heidi, the relief I feel is significant. My thoughts and actions have been disturbing to me…Well…at times just plain scary to me. And I cannot pull myself together. Getting intensive treatment will help keep me safe and give me a solid foundation to continue recovery work (both trauma and eating disorder) at home.
I do get really mad at myself though. I tried to ask the AT about this yesterday…Like how come I am such a wreck? My sexual abuse should not be such a big deal. It should not have shaped me into this devolving mess. I should not be struggling with it some 40 years later. What is wrong with me?
I guess I want to minimize what happened. If I can convince myself it wasn’t a big deal, then I don’t have to address it. And maybe all my symptoms will go away. But denial and minimizing across the decades is exactly what got me here. If I don’t address it, will I even make it until another birthday? How long can I deal with all of this before I hit the end of my rope?
Luckily, I wont have to find out since I am going to be getting more intensive help.
So, the where and when of the treatment is still up in the air. I am researching a handful of places and my PNP will be calling them soon. I am sure the goal is to get me in ASAP, so I don’t lose my shit in the mean time.
I don’t want to be too hopeful about all of this, because hope just leads to disappointment. But relief…Yup. I will admit to that.