Next Steps

It looks like I am going to be getting the help that I need. My team has been collaborating as to what will be best for me. At this point consensus (and this includes my opinion too!) is that I am in need of residential treatment again, this time to address the trauma and the eating disorder.  While frustrating for me because I want to do everything by myself, or at least with the help of Team Heidi, the relief I feel is significant.  My thoughts and actions have been disturbing to me…Well…at times just plain scary to me.  And I cannot pull myself together.  Getting intensive treatment will help keep me safe and give me a solid foundation to continue recovery work (both trauma and eating disorder) at home.

I do get really mad at myself though.  I tried to ask the AT about this yesterday…Like how come I am such a wreck?  My sexual abuse should not be such a big deal.  It should not have shaped me into this devolving mess.  I should not be struggling with it some 40 years later.  What is wrong with me?

I guess I want to minimize what happened.  If I can convince myself it wasn’t a big deal, then I don’t have to address it. And maybe all my symptoms will go away.  But denial and minimizing across the decades is exactly what got me here.  If I don’t address it, will I even make it until another birthday?  How long can I deal with all of this before I hit the end of my rope?

Luckily, I wont have to find out since I am going to be getting more intensive help.

So, the where and when of the treatment is still up in the air.  I am researching a handful of places and my PNP will be calling them soon.  I am sure the goal is to get me in ASAP, so I don’t lose my shit in the mean time.

I don’t want to be too hopeful about all of this, because hope just leads to disappointment. But relief…Yup.  I will admit to that.

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