Rough evening last night. It was the wake for my friend who killed herself. I didn’t go to the wake, nor did I want to. But yesterday, I was having a hard time processing her death. And last evening, I was really upset. My feelings are conflicting so I am confused and I am sad. And I am even jealous, for which I feel incredible shame and guilt. I am jealous that she is no longer in constant pain, but I still am.