I don’t really have much new to say today. I keep thinking about my friend who killed herself and what led her to that decision. And I keep thinking about her wake and the peers of mine that went to the wake. I have stopped a lot of the feelings I had about her death…The ED has taken care of the feelings for me. Right now, my ED and I are playing tug-of-war, but I am not winning. It pulls me a lot, I pull back…But right now it is a lot stronger and I am losing too much ground.
Anyway, I was texting with one of my Renfrew peers, Biebs, yesterday. She always has amazing insights and she is very eloquent. I thought I would put some of her words here so I can remember them.
I read something on your blog about you feeling like dealing with the abuse from 40 yrs ago shouldn’t be such a big deal. Or whatever you said, it was minimizing it. Friend, you have great dignity, worth, value, and grace. Many years ago, your dignity was attacked. Your dignity as a person is part of who you are. It was violated and thus taken. You are dealing with effects that stem from the deepest pain and scarring. I don’t understand all this pain. I don’t understand much. But I know it mustn’t be minimized.
This is such a hard time for you and I know I wouldn’t know the half of it. And I know it doesn’t just seem like a hard ‘time’ or season. But it is. This season will end somehow. And next season, the one of healing, will look different. Who knows what the pain will feel like. Or the scarring. But it will be different and I’ve got to think somehow different. Who knows. Oh, press on, dear friend. This too shall pass. Kate and I love you very much.
Kate is her cat. 🙂
The one thing I will say about Biebs comments is that although she is not me and does not have my pain and trauma, I think she has a better understanding of how I feel than she gives herself credit for, because I think she experiences very deep pain too. As a matter of fact that deep pain was really a shared pain of all of us in ED treatment. Yes, we all had different causes and different ways we expressed the pain (except for the ED) but we all had deep and intense pain and really, we all still do.
I like the idea that I am maybe on the cusp of the Season of Healing. I am sooo hoping that is what the trauma treatment will open up for me….Overriding my self-vitriole and self-destruction with growth and healing. This is what I am holding onto at the moment, that maybe a positive end is finally coming. But it is a hesitant hope, because often when I hope for things, I end up disappointed. And it is not enough hope to kick my ED out of the driver’s seat.