When I woke up this morning, I had to check to see if I was in one piece. Yesterday was a brutal day emotionally and I wasn’t sure if I had actually survived. Honestly, the best part of yesterday was going to bed so that the intense emotions would turn off. And yup, I still feel a bit sensitive/fragile, but I am indeed in one piece today.
Basically, I had one of those days where I just ended up crying. A lot. It started with texting my PNP in the morning and she said something that I got both angry and hurt about. I put my phone down and just cried.
A while after that, I had an intake assessment phone call with the residential facility that I am hoping to go to. Now, these phone interviews are long, at least an hour long, and pretty intense. They go over every detail of your eating disorder and of your co-occurring mental illness(es). It is like being stripped naked emotionally and made to stand in front of a crowd…Just exposing every detail of what I struggle with the most and to a total stranger. Awful. Plus it totally highlights exactly how fucked-up I am.
But that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was the trauma history part. The facility wanted to know details…Physical abuse? Emotional abuse? Sexual abuse? And details…If you were physically abused, how often? By whom? With what? Emotional abuse: In what way? By who? For how long? Sexual abuse had the same questions and, Did you tell anyone about it/report it?
After the phone call was over, I hung up and burst into tears. The phone call was sooo triggering! Of course, the timing of the call was such that I had to immediately make and eat lunch (ha!) and then run out to triple-decker appointments. So, I forced food into my body and launched into the afternoon, even though I was emotionally raw, PTSD triggered and feeling fucked-up beyond repair. Basically, I was holding out for my AT appointment. I just needed to keep myself together until Art Therapy and then it would be okay to fall apart.
I actually did keep myself corralled until therapy. And that occurred even though I had an embarrassing/shame part of my doctor’s appointment. The shame didn’t help my emotional misery, but I didn’t cry…So I consider that a win.
I did cry during therapy. Honestly, I didn’t really do much during therapy, I was too triggered to do anything. After a little bit, I asked if I could draw and I sat at the art table and drew purple spirals over and over on a piece of paper. It made me feel better and I was able to self-regulate enough to talk to the AT a little bit. But then the appointment ended. I really didn’t want to have to leave. I feel safe with the AT…I didn’t want to have to leave that feeling .
I don’t actually remember much about the rest of the afternoon or about dinner. But after dinner, I snuggled with dh on the couch and felt warm and safe. And finally, I decided to just go to bed and make the day end. Sometimes, the easiest thing is to just throw in the towel and start over again the next day.
And today will be better. I have a fun play date with SS, Pixie and Blossom that I have been looking forward to for a looong time.
I also will hear back from the treatment place today to and will find out what level of care they accept me at. And then the ball will really be rolling and I will soon be off for round two of treatment.