So, every morning and every evening I have Check-Ins with my PNP via texts. It helps to keep me on track (and even though I fall off track regularly, the accountability does help) and it is part of my safety contract with her, so I do it.
Here in an example of what I would write for today:
Met breakfast exchanges. No food journal. Yes meds. Lots of body checking already.
No Self Harm urges or Suicidal Ideation yet.
Won’t be alone today.
Have plans to head down to [specialty shop] today for ds’s birthday. Will have lunch there.
Will check in this evening as per routine.
And good morning! 🙂
This accountability thing has now turned into triple safety contracts. Yesterday, my doctor gave me a contract too. <sigh> That’s what I get for admitting contracts help keep me safe(r). I also find myself under huge pressure from the contracts…I feel like the only thing I have left in the world is my integrity and every time I fuck up a contract, I put a stain on my integrity. It kind of leads to a cycle of shame and self-blame….But I have that shame/blame about pretty much everything…So, whatever. Plus, as I said, the contracts to help keep me on track. So, shame/blame or not, they are worth having.
Yesterday, the AT pointed out that I am attached to him. This observation was really threatening for me because I thought it was going to cause him to suggest and/or implement some distancing. He tried to reassure me that my attachment is about trust and it is okay…But I really felt like there is something wrong…That having an attachment is a bad thing. It kind of unglued me.
Later on, I got to thinking about it more. Here’s what is starting to come together in my brain.
- Being attached to people is risky because it means I care about them and the relationship and usually that puts me in danger of being hurt.
- Pointing out attachment makes me panicky because I fear being abandoned. Ignoring the attachment is safer.
- Attachment makes me feel super vulnerable.
- Attachment has not always gone well for me in the past.
- People I have been attached to have hurt me.
- Attachment means I am emotionally clingy.
- Attachment is a weakness on my part.
- When I feel attached, I let my guard down and am at risk.
I dunno. There is a lot there about not wanting to be hurt and not allowing myself to be vulnerable to avoid hurt. And not wanting to need other people…
I also realize that my issues with attachment are part of the colliding of times, the then/now paradox. Then, attachments led to violations. Now, attachments are building healthy relationships/relationship skills.
The Other Thing
Wednesday, I found out that the new facility has accepted me for admission at the residential level. This is good and I am relieved that I can get more support and will be closely supervised (as in 24/7 to) to keep me safe. Especially because as I work on hard stuff at the facility, my ability to be safe will be really challenged.
I don’t have an admission date yet. I need to do the pre-admission medical stuff, for which I have an appointment scheduled late Tuesday afternoon. I get the impression that once all the medical and insurance ducks are all in a row, the admission date will come quickly and with relatively short notice. My goal for this weekend is to get all my stuff organized and set out so I am ready to throw in my t in a suitcase.
Oh…And this new place is far enough away that I will have to fly. And since we are so strapped financially right now (since I haven’t been working for months and months) I am going to have to fly out alone. 😦 I haven’t been on a plane in over 25 years. I am not afraid of flying, but I am anxious about the travel stuff and new airports and figuring out stuff. I am capable of doing it, but I just wish I was more familiar with the process.