What do you do with yourself when you are leaving in 48 hours and will be gone for weeks?
- Pull out all the perishable gluten free food (not that there is much less, as I had bought lightly last week as Friday was a possible departure date ) so it gets consumed and not wasted.
- Waffle some more about clothing packed….The grey and white striped t-shirt or the soft teal and grey striped t-shirt? One more pair of capris or not?
- Double check stationary and stamps and addresses.
- Soak up time with the family.
- Finish outdoor chores (though with the steady rain today, that may be limited).
- Sign-up for automatic checking account withdrawal for the fuel oil company so mailing that bill is one less thing to worry about. This also officially makes all of our bills, except the mortgage, electronically paid.
- Think of 100 things I wish I had said to/discussed with the the AT in the past couple of weeks.
- Re-inventory packed items.
- Decide what I am going to wear on travel/admission day.
- Wash my stuffed rabbits so they are fresh and clean to take with me.
- Snuggle dh.
- Make a couple of last phone calls to family and friends and/or text friends.
- Decide at the last minute that I need, “just one more thing” to take with me.
You get the idea….
I was texting my PNP last night about going to treatment. I told her that I am good with going. I really am, but it will be harder this time around to leave home and family and my home treatment team. This is partly because I am not as sick, so I struggle a bit with whether or not I actually need the ED treatment (but I know I do…and I really need the trauma stabilization). And because I like the security and comfort of what I know…my familiar world.
But, I know that I need to go and I do so in a very different place in terms of my physical and cognitive self than when I went to Renfrew. This is to my advantage. It means I can think clearly enough to really engage in the psych work. My body is not being consumed by intense physical healing, which allows for energy to be distributed emotionally and cognitively. I will have fewer distractions from the therapy work.
At this point, I am less worried about the travel. Leaving here will be easy as we have a small (very small) airport and navigating it is straightforward. Though I have not flown out of our airport in decades, I have dropped off dh often enough that it is familiar and safe feeling. My lay-over airport is in Atlanta. I have had lots of coaching from my e-friend, Donna, about that airport and general flying/TSA kind of stuff. That has helped ease my anxiety. And dh will give me a run-down too of what to expect. I also scheduled a flight with a longer lay-over so that I am not scrambling to go from one gate to another. I have time to figure things out, not panic and do what I need to do. Or more to the point, I have time to fuck it up, get lost, get confused, cry a little if I need to and still make my connecting flight. However, I don’t anticipate the second scenario…But it is good to not have the time pressure.
I also have a full awareness that my anxiety about the travel will be much worse than the actual travel. That’s how anxiety works…gets me all worked up and stressed over things I can actually handle. So, with all this awareness, I can say, “Yes, I am nervous and anxious about traveling, but I am fully capable of doing it and have made allowances for myself to not feel rushed and overwhelmed.”
Now….I think I need to pluck Kaloo and Tooloo out of bed and send them off for a bath. Did I ever mention that dh (good-naturedly) fusses at me about the stuffed rabbits in the bed? <giggle> He calls them “Cabbage Rats.” And yet, every time he makes the bed, he tucks my bunnies right against my pillow with the covers tucked up to their chins. ❤ I bet he will miss them when I am gone! He might even miss me! 😉
Kaloo is green, Tooloo is pink.