Yup. I Am Alive.

I am certainly alive.

I keep hearing people talk about journaling here. And clinicians suggest to people that they might want to journal about tricky topics or self-discovery, or other things that are meaningful.  And I sort of liked the idea but thought to myself, “But I don’t really have a journal or the commitment to writing in a journal.”  And then it hit me…..I have a blog.  And what has this blog been, if not a journal?!  I am not sure why sometimes I miss the obvious.

It has been my plan to blog from treatment here, but it has taken me a week to get my feet under me and stop crying and panicking all the time.  I think I am on track enough to get in daily blogging again.  And one of the things I plan on doing is posting some of my writing assignments.  I probably won’t post them all, because I still like to think I have some anonymity online and some of the writing will be perhaps too identifying.  But I will post what I can.

So….How was week one?

It fucking sucked.

Since I have a whole week to catch up on, I am doing it in bullets:

  • I flew here! Yup, I managed two flights, a lay over and a huge airport (Atlanta) and did it without any glitches.  Well…the intense airsickness wasn’t great, but I had planned for that with my flight sequence and motion sickness meds, so despite feeling horrible during the first flight, I did not actually throw up on anyone and by the second flight, things were much more manageable.
  • I got to the treatment center and met my team.  So far so good with them.  The psychiatrist is trickiest.  He’s a man and that is always a sticking point for me.  My therapist seems really nice and engaged and is not going to let me get away with any bullshit.  The Nutritionist is really nice, I was iffy about her aft first, but have settled in with her.  And I have an adjunct therapist for anxiety.  Not sure what I should call this version of Team Heidi.  I will have to come up with a name for them.
  • It is really, really hot here.  And humid.
  • I have a single room, so I don’t have to worry about being afraid in the night from all the roommate noises and movement and such.  Since this place has already stirred up nightmares, I am relieved to not have to be on alert all night.  It is exhausting enough having nightmares.
  • The Direct Care staff here (day and evening counselors for the residence building) are really good.  I haven’t actually asked them for help, but the support is there if I can ask for it.
  • There are trains here in the valley below the residence. Lots of trains.
  • I had a  hard time breaking the social barrier here, more on that maybe in tomorrow’s post.  I feel like I am over that hump…for the most part anyway.

I guess none of that actually reflects why last week sucked.  The transition to residential is hard.  Dh will not be able to visit me here which is hard.  There is a”Family Week” event coming at the very beginning of August and dh can’t come (we don’t have money to fly him here…we barely have enough money to fly me home when I am done).  Dh’s birthday was yesterday and I wasn’t home for it.  I was homesick like crazy and stressed and tired and feeling socially isolated….That’s why it all fucking sucked.

Today, I feel amazingly better.  Not sure why, but I will take it while it lasts.

Ummmm….I could go on and on, but am sort of distracted by homework and such…We have lots of homework.

Oh…I have so much to say though!  Art Therapy here totally sucks.  Renfrew set a high bar and this Art Therapist is lacking.  I am sooo disappointed.  But I am going to get Art Therapy assignments from my therapist so that will make up for it.

Speaking of Art Therapy, here’s the piece of art I did in Art Therapy.  The directive was to represent what is inside of you that you don’t want others to see.  Then cover it in any way so it is hidden to your comfort level.   In the lower right corner is the child-me.  And in my typical color scheme, red=pain and black=trauma. I meant for the red and black to be contained to the lower right corner…but it overflowed into the rest of the picture. Which is kind of how it is in my life.  😦


And lastly….We have name cards for the dinner table. I finally got to make mine during Open Art on Saturday.  I made it cheerful…purple, which is my favorite color and a yellow sun, which is my hope symbol and then my name in bold letters…Yes.  I am Heidi and I am here!


I will write more tomorrow…


1 thought on “Yup. I Am Alive.

  1. It sounds like this was pretty rough. But you also sound like such a strong and resilient person. Keep fighting! I live in Missouri and will probably be starting inpatient treatment soon in MO, as well! I hope the rest of your treatment is therapeutic and helpful. Best of luck to you. I look forward to reading further blog posts. You’ve got this. ❤

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