Mad At My Body
I feel like I got some sleep last night. But I am not sure I am happy about it. The lack of exhaustion numbness, and likely my work on some of my writing assignments, has left me feeling raw. I could just burst into tears. I am also feeling edgy and startle-y. It has the makings of a long day.
I also am pretty mad at my body at the moment. I am supposed to get my period this week (which is not why I feel tearful, I already had my pre-menstrual irritable and then tearful days) and my body is not doing what it is supposed to do. I keep sort of starting and stopping with my period. This is not the way my period usually works and thus not the way it is supposed to work. I have a predictable period pattern and my body is supposed to follow that pattern. I can think of reasons that my period is jumbled, stress, new environment, new eating patterns, etc., etc. But it still makes me mad. I hate it when my body doesn’t do what it is supposed to do. Ugh…I wish I could explain it. I just feel betrayed. And if I don’t hate my body enough, the betrayal just adds to it.
So, not only am I tearful today, but I feel extra grumbly. I also feel like I don’t know when (if) my period is going to start being really heavy, so I am worried that I will bleed through my pants. Yes, I am prepared, but I am in the menstrual tsunami part of life, so it goes kind of from zero to tidal wave in a very short amount of time. I just don’t need the stress of worrying about it.
Maybe today it will start behaving.
One of the groups I had yesterday was co-facilitated by the Nutritionist and my therapist, Meg. It was about nutrition and how our bodies need carbs, proteins, fat, etc. And I skeptically listened. Then the Nutritionist talked about portion sizes and the move towards “intuitive eating” following your body’s hunger and satiation cues to determine how much you eat.
And I just don’t buy it. Why can’t you meet your nutritional needs but just eat less food while you do it? I mean, you can shave off the energy part of food without compromising the nutritional content of your food, right? I just don’t think I need the amount of food she is suggesting.
Plus, the only way I can make sure I am eating the right amount of food (to lose weight and not gain it) is to track what I eat. I don’t think intuitive eating is a good idea at all. I did try to express my concern and the nutritionist countered with, “Where is that coming from?” I knew she meant me or the ED, but I chose to ignore that and asked her what she meant. She did indeed ask if it was my ED talking. I think I dodged answering.
Don’t I know what is best for my body? And what if it isn’t intuitive eating?
I have been re-reading some of my recent blog posts (yes, I do read my own blog) and have noticed lots of typos. I do proofread before I post, but clearly I am not catching them all. So, please bear with me about the typos. I am often blogging in the common room and it is loud and full of distractions. Plus, I am tired most of the time and I think it is just keeping me from clean typing. It’s not the biggest deal, but it is annoying to me. I am sure it has nothing to do with my perfectionism. <cough>