Another morning that I wake up too early. I have been blaming on the time change, but it has been a week and a half since I crossed time zones and went back in time an hour. And I have been staying up later but still waking up at 4:40 pretty much every morning. It is starting to wear me down.
And this morning when I woke up, my teeth hurt, which means I was clenching my teeth really hard during the night. Not only am I waking up too early, but I am not getting restful/quality sleep when I do sleep.
Meg and I were discussing my self-harm habits yesterday and she commented that perhaps I had a bit of a ritual about it. I sort of shrugged it off. But then she recommended that I mention it to the anxiety therapist (with whom I have an appointment this afternoon.) I told Meg I would not.
It is bad enough that I have to discuss self-harming with Meg or anyone else here. But the anxiety therapist? No way. There are some behaviors that I do that I consider pretty private and am pretty closed about and that includes self-harm. Plus the fact that I feel so much shame about it. Why would I want to tell to the anxiety therapist and have to experience that shame?
I suppose there is pretty much nothing about me that doesn’t induce shame….So, what is the point of trying to protect myself from shame? Likely, I will cave and tell the anxiety therapist because it doesn’t really matter what I feel. Either I will just block the shame out, or I will accept it because honestly, I deserve the shame for self-harming because it really is an abhorrent behavior.
Right after we finish meals and while we are still at the table, we discuss how the meal went for us, our feelings (yuck!) and our urges. Last night, I just felt run-down and defeated at dinner and so during the check-in discussion, I said that I felt hopeless. The Direct Care person at my table caught right on to it and asked to talk to me about it later. Ordinarily, I would really chafe at the idea of discussing it more, but I really like this particular direct care person and she has tried to reach out to me a handful of times. She seems like a safe person.
So, later on, we chatted. I explained to her how much pressure I am putting on myself to get better faster (worried about my insurance) and that it seems like my progress is too slow. I also admitted to her that I have high standards for myself. I guess it was good talking to her….But ….I don’t know….I didn’t tell her everything. Like, I didn’t tell her that I wasted the whole first week by adjusting to the new place, worrying about fitting in socially and not knowing what was going on because everything is new. That’s a whole week gone that I should have been using better.
I also didn’t tell her that I am totally failing at therapy. I supposed to be opening up and discussing feelings and processing my stuff…And I can barely do it. And every time I have a therapy appointment in which I am guarded and can’t open up, it is an appointment wasted. I should be doing it better and faster. And I am angry and frustrated because I can’t.
And my therapist is too nice. I like her a lot….but she wants to feel empathy and seems to have compassion for me and it really bothers me. Yesterday, I said something and then I looked at her and she had this look on her face. It was one of empathy and concern and I bristled inside. I don’t understand why she doesn’t see me as I really am. If she did, then she wouldn’t feel empathy for me, she would feel disgust.
I don’t know…I don’t know how to do any of the work here and I feel like I am doing it all wrong. I feel all confused and scrambled inside. I have no idea what I am doing or how to do it right. I am sooo frustrated.
And my stupid period still isn’t behaving and I cannot express exactly how much that bothers me. I just want my body to do what it is supposed to do.