I almost restricted yesterday night. It was so close that I actually got that rush and totally could feel the restriction high. Which only made the urge to restrict more intense. I love the feeling of that high.
Here’s what happened: When we sat for dinner, I had this horrible chunk of tofu sitting on my plate. <shudder> Seriously, it was like they just cut a chunk off of one of those slabs of tofu you buy at the grocery store. And it was huge…almost as big as the palm of my hand and it was super thick. It had been seasoned on the top and somehow warmed…But it was in no way, shape or form palatable. First of all, it reminded me of all the cold, flaccid, plain tofu I was served at Renfrew. (Tofu was their go-to vegetarian protein and they didn’t know how to prepare it.) Secondly, I don’t like the texture of tofu very much when it is served that way.
Then I tasted the carrot slaw side-dish and didn’t like it and I figured in for a penny in for a pound, right? So, I didn’t eat that either. I was given a vanilla supplement and drank about a third of my dose and then….I thought about the calories in it and I stopped. I had absolutely no plan or intention of drinking the rest of that supplement. And that’s when I felt the restriction high rise up. It was the best I have felt since I got to Hilltop. Like, I pretty much felt giddy. I looove that feeling.
I was filling out my non-compliance form and at that point I had decided not to drink the rest of the supplement. I even wrote on my form about it.
Then one of my peers came through to sweep the dining room and as she came over to me she said, “I think you should just do it.” I know she totally understands the place that I was in and I know she was looking out for me. And so I wavered. She said, “You drank some of it, right?” I replied, “Yes.” And she said, “Well, you may as well drink all of it.”
And for that moment…her encouragement over-rode the restriction urge. So, I took some more sips of the supplement (which is only slightly less horrible than flaccid tofu. The taste isn’t bad, but the texture, richness and denseness is awful.) Then the Direct Care person (and my favorite one!) moved and sat right next to me and asked about ds. And I forced the rest of that damn supplement down.
And the best part? That restriction rush? It kept going for about another half hour. Did I mention that I love that feeling?
But then reality hit in. And my stomach started hurting (supplements are not good for stomachs…way too rich) and the restriction high just crashed.
Of course, now I will struggle more with eating because I have a fresh taste of the restriction high.
Which rolls me into my next topic.
I am sooo depressed. Mostly, I am keeping it to myself. (I know. Bad idea.) I do let bits of it show to my favorite Direct Care person. And I am sure Meg sees it too. But I am struggling so much. Like, I just can’t do it. I don’t know exactly what it is that I can’t do…but I can’t do it. Mostly, I just want to curl up in a ball and wither away to nothing. I hate being alive. I hate processing trauma. I hate being me. There has got to be something better than this.
I go through the motions of being social and functioning…Although yesterday afternoon, it was a real struggle. We had our weekly Therapeutic Outing that I had been really looking forward to and by lunchtime, I was totally going to bail. As a matter-of-fact, Polly was supposed to go and she bailed (much to my disappointment.) I did end up going, but I had a hard time getting into any frame of mind to actually enjoy the outing. I bet it was an hour and a half into the outing before I even felt the tiniest bit relaxed. Eventually, I felt more relaxed, but it was that short-lived kind of thing where as soon as the activity (distraction) was done my mood started spiraling again. And then we got home just in time for dinner and I had that stupid tofu….I hate eating. L
And then I was thinking about this week. Meg has told me twice that she is going to be gone Thursday and Friday this week. And it wasn’t until yesterday afternoon that it hit me. She is going to be gone. Not here. And as much as I am loathe to admit it, she has become an important part of my routine here and I don’t actually want her to be gone. And then my thoughts took me to: “What if she doesn’t come back?” I don’t like that it matters to me. I don’t need to her to be here. I don’t need her.
Ugh…I am confused and grumpy and depressed. I think I am scared too. The work I have to do here is terrifying.
Everything in my brain is scrambled right now. I don’t like the way that feels.
Anyway…That therapeutic outing? We went to one of those places where they have ceramics that you glaze. I found a very small bowl (cuz really, I can’t lug any big pieces of ceramics with me when I fly home) that I can keep my bracelets in.
Here’s a pic of it when I finished glazing it. Eventually, I will post a pic of it after it has been fired.