The Food On My Plate
Every time I sit down to a meal here at Hilltop I am reminded of my body size and my shame and my awkwardness. And unwanted attention is drawn to me.
I don’t eat the same amount of food as everyone here because I am bigger than everyone else here. Of course my body image sucks and the last thing I want to do is draw attention to my body…But every meal does. My portions of food seem comparatively tiny…dinner is the worst because they serve the food on huge dinner plates and all that space around my food makes my portions glare. Mind you, I am not complaining about the size of my portions, I would gladly eat less. But my food does not look right on my plate. As a matter of fact, when served on a dinner plate, it looks like restricting portions.
And to make matters worse, my food doesn’t even look normal. If I have a sandwich ¼ of it is cut off. Yup, they don’t accommodate for the calorie difference by juggling around the calories, they just cut my fucking sandwich by a quarter. And it looks stupid and it glares and I feel so, so ashamed. It just kind of screams, “Everyone look, Heidi is fat.” Ugh…I just want to crawl under a rock.
But…It even gets worse. I have a peer who has severe issues with comparing. She talks about it frequently and I know she really struggles because she has large portions for restoration of her weight. And I feel for her. But she is always talking about how some people have smaller portion sizes (it used to be me and someone else, but the other person was discharged yesterday, so now it will be just me) and she gets really upset. Monday night, I was seated across from her and she looked at my plate and burst into tears.
I know it is about her and not about me. And I know I shouldn’t care. But OMG…She looked at my plate of food and burst into tears!!!! I just wanted to disappear. And I felt so ashamed and so awkward.
I guess my discomfort is two-fold. I feel obviously fat and ashamed of my body because I have small portions that are cut weirdly and I feel embarrassed and ashamed and awkward that someone would look at my plate and burst into tears.
I am not sure how any of this is actually therapeutic.
I am really frustrated with my therapist. I am starting to trust her and that makes me really angry. I don’t want to trust her…especially since I haven’t known her very long. And yet, here I am feeling trusting inclinations towards her and it makes me mad. The other thing is that she is empathetic. I hate that. I don’t want her to be empathetic. I don’t want her to be nice to me. It’s not supposed to work that way. I have also figured out that no matter how much I try to push her away, she isn’t going to budge. She calls me out on avoidance behavior, she points out things that I don’t want to acknowledge and she remembers everything I say. Basically, she is really good at what she does. And I like her. But every part of me screams that I shouldn’t put myself out there and trust her.
It Is Happening
Meg and I are pushing a little harder in therapy and the harder push means we are touching on things that I don’t want to address….So, I am freaking out. Mind you, no one would know, because I freak out internally except for when I just break and then burst into tears. But I have started the over-obsessing about my weight, I need to know numbers. I looked in the mirror this morning and I body checked feeling for my bones and I can tell that I am bigger. I am clearly gaining weight and it is causing me lots of anxiety. I am also obsessing about my meal plan and how many calories I am eating. I tried to ask the nutritionist what the goal of my meal plan is and she gave me a very non-answer. I appreciated her effort of not engaging, but I need to know. I have restrained from calculating it out…but only just barely.
And my self-harm urges are high. If I can’t have control, can’t restrict, can’t know anything about numbers, then the only thing I can control is the self-harming. Of course, along with that is lots of wishing I was dead and just being tired of the fight and wishing I didn’t exist.
So, now I have to figure out how to manage this struggle without engaging in my maladaptive coping strategies.