Polly Moved From Our Station
I spoke too soon. Just when I was getting comfortable, Polly left the table. Her reason for leaving is valid. So, I don’t know why it makes me sad, but it does. I just kind of feel abandoned and rejected. And I wonder if I did something wrong or if imposing myself on the table was actually bothering her. I don’t know…But now I feel awkward and alone. I am trying to decide if I should leave the table too…I just don’t know. I hate social dynamics.
Really, all I want to do is withdraw. I put myself out there with Polly, it didn’t work out. Now I should just put my guard up and retreat. And not try again. I had no idea how hard the social dynamics would be here.
My Four Year Old
I have discovered something. A lot of my emotional rules and fears come from when I was four. Clearly, I don’t operate on a 4 year level emotionally…Sort of anyway. But it is fascinating to see that trauma from when I was four has had such a profound influence on my life. I suppose that statement that comes from minimizing or denial…I guess I figure as long as I don’t have to think or deal with it, then it didn’t really happen. It’s too bad that it doesn’t actually work that way.
Everything is hard right now. I am just crashing and burning. And I am not ready to be flexible enough to have Meg be gone for a couple of days. That said, I don’t really have much say or input in the matter, nor should I. But here it is…Me being reluctantly flexible. Ugh.
Meg being gone makes me miss the security and safety of Team Heidi.
I don’t know…I am just overwhelmed so I don’t have anything useful to say right now.