I am pretty emotionally raw this morning. I am tired and overwhelmed. I have stupid annoying problems that compound my bigger issues….Exhausting.
Super annoying problem? The night staff person does hourly checks on us by opening the door and shining a flashlight into our rooms. I don’t know if it actually happens hourly, but I wake up at least twice a night because of it. Hearing the door open and latch closed, having someone shine a flashlight on me, it is sooo disruptive (like from a trauma point of view). Last night, it triggered my PTSD and I was frozen and terrified.
Then…every morning the same woman does morning meds and asks how I slept. And I tell her poorly and she says, “Oh…Well you were asleep when I looked in on you.” And I use my best inner patience to not snap at her. What I would like to tell her is that I look asleep because she totally triggers my PTSD, so I just lay there not moving in bed until she goes away. This morning, she was a little bit snarky with me kind of questioning me about how long I had been laying awake. (I usually wake up around 4 and am up for the morning, sometimes, I doze back off, but it’s not usually “real” sleep, but that half-aware kind of sleep.) Bascically, I don’t want to talk about my sleep with her anymore I don’t have the patience for it at 6 a.m.
Family week has been totally disruptive. But today is the last day of it. Yesterday, I had my phone therapy session with dh and Meg and that went well. Meg is a good facilitator. Dh and I are good facilitatees, so it was productive.
I had anxiety therapy yesterday too. I feel so awkward with that woman. I don’t think that will change. I can work with her, but it is not the best fit of therapist.
My peers engaging in ED symptoms has been hard to watch lately. I just feel so much compassion for their struggles. Yesterday, someone “accidentally” missed breakfast. She was picked up early for an appointment and didn’t tell Direct Care that she needed to leave early, so…Ooops, she missed breakfast. She has a whole bunch of ways she “manipulates” the system. I say “manipulates” because it is not her as much as the tight grip her ED has on her and her inability to move past it. I totally get it, I am not judging, but she is fighting recovery tooth and nail. I wish she could face whatever it is she is so afraid of so she could get better. 😦
One of the newer admits has kind of latched onto me for reassurance. It is sweet and I am glad she is comforted by me being there. She is younger, so I am probably about the same age as her mom, I am sure she is looking for the motherly-ness. But, I am not going to be her caretaker. Yes, I will support her and be kind to her…And I like her, she is genuinely nice, but I am not stepping into the role of being her Treatment Mom. I gotta take care of me while I am here. I can’t take care of everyone else.
Yesterday at lunch, a peer crashed and burned and I watched it happen. The frustrating part, is that I wanted to say something to her about it before she crashed all they way, but I didn’t think it would be allowed. So, I (and another peer) watched as she torturedly finished her meal, chugged down a bunch of water and then asked to go to the bathroom. I knew exactly what she was going to do (so did the other peer) and I desperately wanted to go after her, but it is not my job to be her caregiver (see…I do have boundaries about this!). Plus, she asked for permission to go to the bathroom and was actually told she could. <eye roll> When she came back to the bathroom, it was clear what she had done (I won’t give details as to why it was clear). Luckily, she was honest about it. But I wish she could have said something before she engaged in symptoms.
I don’t know. I asked Meg the other day if I am actually sick enough to be here. Everyone else seems so sick, I don’t know that I deserve to be her. Meg just gave me the look, you know, the look that means, “Are you fucking kidding me?” Anyway, she reassured me that yes, I deserve to be here. (Though I am still skeptical.)
On the forefront of my mind is my insurance. I am up for review on Tuesday and am technically at the end of my residential benefit. The question is, will my insurance extend my residential benefits, or will I have to step down to the day program? I am not ready for the day program. If I could get 2 more weeks at the res level, I think I will be good. And one more week would be better than nothing. The hard part is the not knowing and then the potential of a last minute move from res to the day program (which means a physical move to another site for both housing and treatment.) We shall see what happens.