Sometimes, there is just too much to say about a day to type. Yesterday was one of those days.
I woke up in a good mood, I mean actually feeling pretty centered and in Self. It was kind of refreshing. It is also kind of weird that you can feel like you are in a good mood and feel depressed at the same time, but I am kind of used to mood incongruity at this point.
We had a group in which one of my peers shared her timeline and she got to a part about having had a miscarriage very recently. I lost it. I actually had to get up and leave the room because the topic was far too raw for me. One of my favorite DC workers followed me (The nice thing here, is that there is always support for when you are having a breakdown….You never have to be alone with the overwhelm of feelings.) It stirred up the loss from the multiple miscarriages I had after ds was born. As I was swamped by the sadness, I realized I had never actually let myself really feel sad or mourn the loss. I had mourned other parts of it, like not having the fantasy family that I had planned, not having a girl, not getting to breastfeed twice, etc. But the actual loss of the babies? Nope, I never went there. So, yesterday, it all came crashing down.
As I was struggling and crying and dissociating, do you know what I wanted? All I wanted was dh. I just wanted to hug him and be with him and have my safe place in his arms. It wasn’t so much that I was home-sick, I was just desperately husband-sick. It made me realize something. That no matter how much my attachment injuries from childhood impacted me, I have really developed an attachment where I let myself depend on dh….I actually allow myself to be raw and open and to need dh. Now, I don’t often do it, welll…I don’t often let myself do it. But the ability for me to be vulnerable with him, to need him and to not have to do everything on my own….It is actually there. Maybe there is hope for me yet!
The melt-down I had really impacted my morning, and though I carried it into lunch with me, it did not actually impact my ability to complete my meal…I cant’ say I was very connected to the meal, but I did finish it. And as the afternoon went on, I slowly regained my balance…Not in a shoving-the-feelings-away kind of way, but in a looks-like-I-have-more-work-to-do on this topic kind of way. And that acknowledgment has led to a kind of emotional curiosity, which I think is a good thing.
The sadness topic carried into therapy and we sort of circled around why sadness is so scary to me. Sadness threatens to spiral to all the sadness in my life, right down to the sadness of the traumatized four-year-old. And so, Meg had me pick a less-sad kind of event for us to process through so I could feel the feelings and ask questions about how I protect myself from feelings and what purpose that serves. We only started to investigate it yesterday, so there is more work to be done (and a homework assignment that I only barely started yesterday).
But, last night, I had something else to do other than my homework. <gasp> I know, things more important than homework? Is it possible? But I needed to connect with the young woman who read the triggering timeline. I actually really like her and we are eerily similar in many, many ways. I had touched base with her briefly mid-day and told her that my reaction to her timeline was not about her…But was about me. But last night, I let her ready my timeline and then after dinner, we chatted. And I talked about not having felt the loss of my miscarriages and she talked about her feelings about losing her baby and how it sent her into a downward spiral of pain and numbing and relapsing into her ED. We talked about lots of other things too…About how our insecurities are similar and how we present ourselves to others is similar (the safe”mask” kind of thing). It was a good and worthwhile conversation. Today, I will read the rest of her timeline, because I missed it after I left the room and I do want to hear it.
And then there are the hard parts of the peer stuff here. We have a new peer. And she doesn’t have a good filter in terms of understanding what might be appropriate/inappropriate to say. She is a bit too descriptive about her discussion of her ED symptom use. That is okay…sometimes exposure to that is okay, challenging but okay.
But last night at evening snack, she pushed it too far. As a-matter-of fact, she cleared the table. It was towards the end of snack and a couple of people were still eating, the rest of the people had their finished snack dishes in front of them. The conversation went to how doctors make stupid comments to people with EDs, like praising someone with an ED for losing weight, or asking someone with an ED how much weight they have gained…Tactless, insensitive and potentially triggering doctor comments. And the newest peer commented on her doctor (or someone) asking her how her weight loss was going here at Hilltop. Yup, insensitive doctor comment. But…here’s where it turned…Then she continued to go on about weight loss. And about some football field with cadavers buried under it. And people were uncomfortable. The weight loss talk immediately cleared two people from the table. One young peer started googling the cadaver field on her phone and then put her phone down and said that she didn’t think that it was as good time to keep googling it. And the newest peer pushed it. And pushed it. Like she didn’t even hear that the young peer was not actually wanting to continue the google search. But the young peer begrudgingly caved and kept looking and myself and a couple of other people pointed out to the young peer that she didn’t need to….And the newest peer still didn’t get it. Like even when we told her that she had kind of guilted the young peer into still looking, she did.not.get.it. And so more people cleared from the table…Really within about 5 mins, with all her topic faux pas, the newest peer cleared the table almost completely.