Another Day

Here I am, another day in treatment.

  • tried the movie last night, and despite my best efforts to overcome movie nausea (anti-nausea meds) the movie was loud and bright and we were seated too close to the screen.  I am not sure it would have mattered where I sat, I did eventually feel nausea, and that was with my eyes closed for more than half the movie.  I also found the move to be a sensory assault and can now officially say that I am just not a theater movie kind of girl
  • The newest admit is not endearing herself to others at all.  I fear that she is going to alienate everyone here thus reinforcing her negative beliefs about herself
  • I have had an emotional couple of days and am pretty tired
  • Had a lunch exposure with some peers and Mac yesterday.  It was challenging, but the hardest part was in the car when one of my peers called herself fat and said she felt awkward in public because she was so fat.  Of course, she is anything but fat and I turned it inside and thought, “If she thinks she is fat, then I am disgusting.  If she feels like she is too fat for the public, clearly I am way too fat for the public.”  I was pretty much in tears by the time we got to the restaurant. Luckily, no one noticed.
  • I don’t want to transition to the lower level of care on the 24th.  I feel safe and comfortable here.  (There was almost a bit of whining in that statement.)
  • Self-portioning meals is going okay. It’s actually better than I expected and I feel somewhat less self-conscious about how I am managing my portions.  I do have lot of questions about my meal plan, but can never seem to get them out when I have my appointments with Mac.
  • I got a new slew of assignments for this week.  Here are some highlights:
    • I will write about “how I define self-worth” and how this became correlated to my body.
    • I will draw out a map of the different modes I function in in order to protect myself from connecting to emotions.
    • I will do an art piece and writing about “I’m fine.” What it means, where it came from.  Based on this assignment, I will be better aware of my process in order to begin to challenge it.  [“I’m fine” is a topic-closing, dismissive response I use quite frequently.]
    • How does perceived nutritional value impact worth of food?  Why can’t a food’s taste be considered part of it’s value?
    • And so the list goes on…..
  • I discovered last night why one of the night shift staff always wakes me up at night (when they do room checks) and why the other does not. I ran a little experiment.  I will double check my research tonight and then decide what I am going to do with the information.
  • I am just tired and wrung out and wanting to spend the day in bed with the covers pulled over my head.
  • The blanket I am knitting is getting bigger and bigger  Will post pics tomorrow.

And such is my life.

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