PTSD and Extreme Anxiety
Not having a good morning so far. My PTSD is in super-overdrive and I am crawling out of my skin with anxiety. My hands are fumbly so I am dropping things which then surprises me and I jump. I took the trash out (my chore this week) and heard a tiny noise and startled so much that I just about burst into tears. And everything else that is causing me anxiety (like trying to keep gluten cross-contamination from happening when we all are self-portioning at breakfast) has my anxiety at an astronomical high. This has the makings of a terrible day.
Plus, I ran my experiment again about if I am actually getting checked on at night. The answer is that I am not. And I mentioned it to my favorite DC and she said she was going to email the res director about it. She said she wouldn’t use my name…But I am really afraid. The particular night person who is not checking on me is kind of nasty (and this is not just me…everyone has had run-ins with her. And yesterday, she was in rare form and was nasty to pretty much all of us.) I am so afraid the night person will figure out it was me who said something, and the backlash will be awful. If she is bitchy now, what will she be like if I have pissed her off? And I don’t have the tolerance to deal with my feelings about this today. I am fucked.
And I have a shit-load of assignments to work on. And yoga, which I would ordinarily love, but I am having an almost frighteningly heavy period (like, I am used to heavy periods, but this one is scary-heavy) and am afraid I will have an issue while doing yoga poses. But if I skip, I will get a non-compliance. And I actually want to do yoga because I like it and could really use it today. <sigh>
So…how do I mange the crawling out of my skin, astronomical high anxiety and bleeding to death? I guess I can get support from direct care for the first two and just will muddle through with the last.
Or I can just suck it up and ignore it all. Except that that’s probably not the most therapeutic solution.
Yup. Today is going to suck.