Okay…I am not such a stubborn person that I can’t admit when i am wrong. And I think I was wrong about that direct care person that peeved me so much a week or so ago. And I am willing to ‘fess up to my error.
I have been ignoring the fact that the past week she has seemed a bit more grounded and looking a bit less like a deer in headlights and maybe is showing a bit more confidence. I have been ignoring all of this because, if you may recall, I wrote her off as un-trustworthy.
Earlier this week, I ordered some clothing from amazon. I decided it was time to add a little bit to my wardrobe (which does get a bit old after 5 weeks, plus some things fit differently from when I got here) and I had recently taken the plunge to wearing the leggings I brought for yoga. I also have been admiring the colorful and sassy leggings my peers have. And I wanted a second pair of leggings for yoga and NIA.
Yesterday, my package came. I had agonized over what sizes to order and when it got here I just plain could not open the package to see if the clothes fit. Eventually, I made my way to the table by the aforementioned direct care person with my package and evidently, I looked distressed. She called me out on it and I told her a little bit of what was going on, and I cried a little bit (so annoying! I hate that I cry over everything!) and she coached me through with fact-checking, logic and acknowledgement of how the ED was impacting my thinking. She didn’t do it as smoothly as the other DC women, but she did it honestly and caringly and she didn’t botch any of it up. She eventually settled me enough that I could open the packaged and then go downstairs to try the clothes on. She even offered to go with me and stand outside my door to just be supportive. I declined her offer as I just wanted to live alone with whatever shame I might encounter.
But…It wasn’t so bad. I really like the clothing and the fit. I kind of wish the sizes (numbers) were different, but I really try to cling to the message I got at Renfrew that it is more important how you feel in an outfit (comfortable, relaxed etc) than how it looks or what the size is. And boy, oh boy…This outfit is comfy!
So, despite my bit of body shame/discomfort over wearing leggings in general, I am pretty pleased with the outfit. And it feels amazing, soft, comfortable, and snuggly. I plan on wearing it all day today. Maybe it is okay to wear things that I like? And not just things that I throw on my body to cover myself?
Damn, that almost sounds like a moment of enlightenment.