The ED Fights Back

So much for this morning’s feel good post.  I made a tactical error today which has kind of sent me into a tailspin.  I had an outing with a friend and tried on some shirts as I really need a couple of new shirts…And I looked at myself in full-length mirrors….And it was disheartening to say the least.  Really, I am angry and disgusted and my mind went straight to restricting and over-exercising to fix me.

Then we came back just in time for dinner and dinner was a cream based soup.  I don’t eat cream based soups…It is not on my list of “safe” foods and I discovered it is super triggering.  I nearly cried…I would have except that it was my last meal with my friend Mel who is transitioning to a lower level of care tomorrow.  I didn’t want to ruin dinner with her.  She actually tried to coach me along and I tried to eat the soup….But it was a fail.  So, I had to supplement.

Really, I feel like there were too many fails today to make it any sort of a good day.  And I hate myself and I feel like I am disgusting.

And tomorrow, I have appointments that I don’t want to have and I have to “confront” someone about something I don’t want to deal with, but my therapist is kind of making me do it.

Plus, my dish partner has been very unreliable and there was an enormous amount of dishes tonight and I was overwhelmed and frustrated as I was trying to deal with them while I could hear her laughing and chatting with the direct care person in the next room

Plus, my dish buddy and I are also supposed to do the group meal this week….but instead of planning for it, my dish buddy is off saving a sick baby raccoon.  (No, I am not kidding.)  And I just feel like, “fuck it.”

I am done, I am tired, I am angry and I hate myself.  This is not a great way to start the week.

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