I do appreciate comments and words of support on my blog, especially as I struggle with things like body image and my concerns about my size and weight. However, I think I need to bring attention to something about me and my struggles.
I have an eating disorder. Yup. I do. I have an eating disorder that wants me to restrict food like crazy, exercise like crazy and count calories, measure portions and has totally taken over my whole flippin’ life. This eating disorder has caused me heart troubles which had the potential of killing me, consumed my cognition and has eaten up weeks and now months of my life with residential treatment. I am on the hard road to recovery, but am nowhere near recovery. I have a couple more months of treatment ahead of me and then months more when I am home.
Soooo….Comments and/or advice encouraging dieting are not really helpful to my process. I’ve got the whole “dieting” thing down pat. It is the “surviving and living” thing that gives me the real challenges.
I cannot in good conscience approve comments on my blog that have potential to undermine my recovery process. Right now, I am referring specifically, to diet related comments, but I also have had pro-ana comments which I also have not approved. For more on the that, I refer you here.
I am really, really anxious about my transition to the partial hospitalization program. I don’t like change, I don’t want change. I like my safety bubble here on top of the hill. I don’t wanna leave.
And yet, as Meg aptly put it, I need the challenge of the step-down in level of care.
The problem is (among others) is that this change of program and coinciding change of living situation has made me desperately homesick. If I need to leave Hilltop, then I just want to go home. <sigh> And the thought of being away from home for 4 months is just painful. <double sigh>
I packed up most of my stuff tonight for the move on Thursday. I figured it would be easier to not do it tomorrow when I am in a panic about the transition.
<sigh> Sometimes, it just feels hard.