I am totally drowning right now. Seriously, I cannot handle this transition. I am losing my shit completely. I knew the transition would be hard, but did not have any idea that it would be this hard. I am empty and depressed and scared and hopeless. And I am already restricting. Yup. I am such a failure. I am so ashamed that I can’t even talk to anyone about the fact that I am struggling this much. So, I sit here, in tears, just wishing I was dead. Struggling with restricting when given more meal autonomy is probably not surprising to my clinicians, and I am sure that even though I will get in trouble for doing it, it is a way to “practice” the skills that I need to overcome the urges, but I just feel like a complete and utter failure.
I don’t know how anyone recovers from an eating disorder. I have no fucking idea. I am not the only one at PHP (partial hosp) struggling with urges and/or actively using symptoms. Is it even possible to recover?
I guess the only thing I have right now is the knowledge that it is okay to struggle and I am only barely restricting and that I know it is about having control. If I can remind myself of my goals and am honest with my clinicians maybe I can catch this before it takes off.
Oh…and speaking of clinicians, Kyla has earned her first strike. I saw her for the initial appointment on Thursday and she was supposed to check in with me yesterday to see how I am doing. And she forgot. I was sitting at the table and saw her come up the stairs, keys in hand, and go right out the door. And I felt like every single thing I have ever felt about being worthless was proved true. Honestly, I was devastated. Now, I feel like I can’t trust her. She is not supposed to forget me, she is not supposed to make me feel worse about myself and anything she says about caring about me or supporting me (cuz they always say that) is bullshit. There is no way I am going to let my guard down around her.
She did actually email later in the day and apologize for forgetting me. And asked what she could do to support me….but I feel like that ship has already sailed. However, I worked really hard to set my anger and disappointment aside and respond to her email with some “I” statements and reflections of my feelings. I figured that even though I likely will never trust her, I ought to at least make an effort, especially since she did email me.
Anyway, for what it’s worth…Here’s what I said:
I really want to be snarky and passive aggressive in my response to you….And I am struggling to set that part aside so I can respond from a more Self oriented kind of place….We’ll see how that goes.