Being part of a community of mentally ill/fragile people is challenging because you never know how close to the edge anyone is. Last night, I saw a Facebook post from a friend (who I have kept in regular touch with) from my previous treatment facility. Friday, she tried to kill herself, and it sounds like she almost did. She had to be intubated, was in the ICU and was in a coma. Strangely, I have no emotional reaction to this. But it makes me want to keep all my current peers a safe distance away. I don’t want to connect with people who are just going to disappear out of my life.
Or who disappear and then pop back in. I am still Facebook friends with my friend who killed herself earlier this summer. I don’t know why…I just haven’t had the heart to unfriend her. Every now and then, someone posts a message to her and so I get a notification from her page. It is unsettling and kinds of jolts me into feelings that I don’t want to have, so I just ignore it all.
In the transition meeting with Meg and Kyla, Meg brought the suicide of my friend up. Honestly, at that point, I had buried the suicide so deeply inside of me that I had practically forgotten about it. Although my memory of the transition meeting is a bit sketchy, I think Meg said that I had not grieved the loss of my friend. I don’t know what to think of that. Have I grieved? Do I want to grieve? Does it matter?
I am so anxious about today, that pretty much as soon as I woke up, my hands were shaking. I don’t know how to get my shit together and not lose it at PHP. Well…I can almost guarantee I will lose it at PHP, but I don’t want to. And I will probably have to face Kyla today and I sooo regret that email that I sent her Saturday in which I told her how I was feeling because she forgot me. I don’t know why I wrote it or what benefit I thought I would get about stating my feelings and showing a bit of vulnerability by doing so. What the fuck was I thinking?!
I cannot do this. I can’t do any of it.