Okay….The word is Overwhelmed.  I not been blogging because I have been completely overwhelmed.  I wish I had a way to quantify how exhausting the work in ED treatment is.  It’s therapy all day, every day in groups and then punctuated by individual therapy three times a week, anxiety therapy once a week and psychiatry once a week.  And if that’s not enough…There is a weekly dietitian appointment.  The times between group and individual therapy is spent in meals or snack (we eat 5 times a day at the program) or doing homework.  Oh…and making social connections for peer support is squeezed in between.

<phew>  Is it a wonder why I am tired all the time?

I found out this morning that one of my friends from residential treatment tried to kill herself.  Does this sound familiar?  Yup.  It’s a re-run.  When she texted me about it, she kind of downplayed it and then confessed that she had been suicidal and impulsive.  Thank goodness she was in a safe environment and someone was able to immediately respond to her actions and talk her off the ledge, so to speak.  Mind you, the way she was going to kill herself was not very lethal (as opposed to my friend last week) but she said her intent was suicide…It just makes me sad.  I am not sure she was honest with her clinicians about it…But she was sent for a psych eval and hold, so they clearly took her behavior seriously.  Ugh.  Want to know something selfish?  I kind of wish she hadn’t told me.  But then…I am glad she did because I would have probably heard about it anyway.

Do you think people ever try to kill themselves to get attention? Like using  action to express things they can’t say in words?  Kind of that “cry for help” kind of thing?  I wonder this, because her method was not really going to kill her…I don’t know.  What I do know is that I am going to distance myself from this relationship.  Not because I am shitty friend, but because she is seeking support from me that I cannot give her and honestly, I don’t want to give her.  I like her and I have enjoyed her company, but I am not her caretaker.  Do I/will I care about her? Sure.  But I definitely am setting a boundary for myself.

I could mention again how hard it is to make connections in a group of emotionally/psych fragile people…but I have said it before.  It makes me not want to connect with anyone in treatment.  But treatment is not a vacuum…I can’t spend all my time isolated and alone…And that would totally be counter-productive to my process.

Okay, my process is my process.  I need to keep my focus.  And I don’t say that in a denying-emotions kind of way, I say it in a don’t-let-this-be-a-distraction kind of way.  Because I could easily be distracted by this.





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