I am not sure how the time goes by so quickly. I guess I have been neglecting my blog because I have had a few people ask about it over the past week. Yes…the blog is a bit dusty.
My blog gaps have mostly been because I am pretty constantly in a state of emotional full-ness (overwhelm) here and that I am constantly writing homework assignments about my feelings. I think that the constant emotional drain just tires me so much that I have no energy for the blog. I have had the idea that maybe I should post homework as blog entries, and I think I will do that. It is very much what is going on in my mind and with my feelings, so it is very relevant.
My life will change in _______ ways if I had the perfect body.
Just the idea of having a perfect body kind of fills me with some kind of giddy excitement. Oh to have a perfect body!!!!! My life would be amazing and different and I would be so much happier.
If I had a perfect body, I would no longer think of my body as disgusting. Not only, would I not think my body is disgusting, but no one else would think it is disgusting either. I could go out in public and not have to worry about the critical eyes of other people assessing and judging my body. I would be free to go in store that I wanted, grocery shop without anxiety, go to restaurants and creemee stands without shame and engage with people without being self-conscious and hyper-aware of my body and body size.
I wouldn’t have to shame myself or have a constant negative self-talk loop playing in my head. Instead of messages of worthlessness and of my mantra, “fat, ugly and stupid,” I could have self-confidence and pride. I wouldn’t have to isolate myself, try to be invisible, try to slide through everything in life un-noticed. I could social and happy and not feel like I am faking it or pretending. As a matter of fact, there would not be this un-spoken tension of me and the other person knowing that I am disgusting, but just not mentioning it.
I could wear what I want with confidence. Now, I mostly wear what I want, but not with confidence, but rather with the resignation that the folks here at PHP have already seen my body and know that it is disgusting. I don’t have to fake it here…Since they already know, I can wear what I want (which I wear for comfort) because the cat is out of the bag, I don’t have to hide or pretend here. My body glares as too big and too disgusting. It is sooo obvious.
If I had the perfect body, I would smile more. I would worry less. Life would be So. Much. Easier. And I would be so much less anxious and less miserable. There is nothing about having a perfect body that could be wrong.
But there is one catch. I will never have the perfect body. And I mean that by my critical/perfectionist standards. It is not a phrase of grace, but a phrase of self-loathing. I can have a smaller body, but my body is beyond fixing to a point where I will ever be able to call it perfect. And that infuriates me. Some of the flaws, I can accept, like stretch marks from being pregnant. But others….there is no way to make better.
And this leaves me in the futile cycle of trying to attain perfection and all that I associate with it, in a body that I will never like, never accept and honestly, that I would rather be totally disconnected from. And yet, I am stuck with it. Quite literally, it is attached to my head and I can’t get away from it. And so my self-vitriol, self-loathing, self-criticism, self-judgment continue into perpetuity.
If only I had the perfect body, I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this.
I had to read this assignment during Body Image group. It was hard getting feedback from my peers because they pointed out how harsh I am with myself and that they don’t think I am disgusting. They kind of said that I was selling-them-short by assuming that all they see is my body. There were also a number of people who completely understood what I was saying and how I feel about my body. (We are in ED treatment, afterall.) When I re-read this to post it, agree that it is harsh. And after the feedback from my peers, I actually feel less self-conscious here. I am not sure that I feel less self-conscious overall….but even a little bit is progress.