No Vision

 

I am so…I don’t know. I want to say frustrated but that term is too harsh.  I want to say discouraged, but that’s not quite right either.  I don’t know…I just feel empty and vision-less.

Since my very first week at residential treatment, I have had some homework assignments that I just haven’t done.  Yup, over three months later and I am still stuck on them.  And now I have a new assignment that I am stuck on too.  The assignments are all about looking within and looking forward, and I am lost.  I don’t know how to do them.

Here are the ones that have been assigned for three months.

  1. I will write my life values and personal mission statement.
  2. I will write in detail about what a day would look like if I acted in ways consistent with values and beliefs. I will consider: relationships, self-talk, self-care, meals, priorities in investment of energy.

And then most recent: make a Vision Board.  A vision board is a pictorial representation of your life goals. It could be just one goal or one aspect, like a spiritual aspect, or “I want to be a botanist,” or whatever makes sense for your personal goals.

And I am just stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Stuck.  I feel like all three of these projects are interlaced, and I just can’t wrap my head around any of it.  What are my values? (This one might not be so bad).  But a personal mission statement?  Trickier.  A day acting on values and beliefs? Doable, except that I need to know what my values and beliefs actually are!

But here is where I need to start….What are my values?

  • honesty
  • respect
  • compassion
  • heartfulness
  • equality
  • justice

Hmmm…It just crossed my mind that we had an assignment sort of like this in one of our spirituality groups.  I need to go look and find it.

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Okay, mine ended up a mess…cuz as I was working on it, I was seeing connections and links and so I drew lines to put them all together.  From this page, my core values are:

  • authenticity
  • creativity
  • curiosity
  • growth
  • loyalty
  • knowledge
  • learning
  • security
  • stability

And my subcategories

  • autonomy
  • balance
  • compassion
  • determination
  • fairness
  • family
  • friendships
  • justice
  • kindness
  • peace
  • respect
  • self-respect
  • trustworthiness
  • wisdom

So…What can I pare it down to?

I value curiosity.  Curiosity is really important to me because it what drives a lot of my mental process.  My curiosity ranges from “What kind of lichen is this?” to “Why drives so-and-so’s behavior?” to “How did they build that bridge?” to “Does the FDA really have my best interest in mind when it approves new medicines?”   I love to learn and it is all the questions that I ask and outcomes I can’t predict and “ah-ha” moments when I make discoveries that keep my mind going and my learning gene fulfilled.  Learning and knowledge also fall under this category.  Aspects of growth fall under this category too.  The answers to some questions can lead to growth.

Growth feels like it is its own category too.

Authenticity is an important one.  I think it is important for me to be as authentic as I possibly can.  To be the “real” me where I make thoughtful decisions from an unbiased point of self.  And by bias, I mean internal biases of myself.  I need to not be judging myself, hating myself or being critical of myself if I am to be authentic.  Authenticity comes from a place of self-acceptance, self-esteem and self-respect.  In order to be fully authentic, I need to have a solid core to be projecting from.  Other things that fall under authenticity would be honesty and kindness and wisdom.

 

Okay, I am totally out of steam tonight and can’t keep working on this, so this is not all pulled together yet and I have more values that I want to write about.

  • Compassion/Fairness/Justice
  • Creativity
  • Loyalty/Security/Stability
  • Autonomy
  • Determination
  • Balance/Peace
  • Family/Friends

I’d like to look at the connections and merits of these values as well.  But like I said, I am tired…My brain is mush.  I will have to explore more tomorrow.

But….Look!  This stream of consciousness is starting to pull my assignment together.  Once I figure out my values, I can figure out what a day would be like if I acted within my values.  And I can look forward with my vision board.  See…it is all tied together.  I just needed to sit down and start working my way through it.  At least now, I have a start!

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