I am supposed to be working on homework right now. I have an assignment to write about, “Identify the cycle of needing to be perfect that blocks me from receiving the care I need and deserve.”
I can kind of deal with the first part of the assignment…but the whole “need and deserve” thing….It just doesn’t work for me. I want to reject care. I don’t want people to care, I don’t want to be vulnerable and I don’t want to need people. I want to keep everyone (except dh) an arm’s distance away, safely on the other side of my walls. I don’t need care.
And deserve? Are you kidding me? I don’t even think I deserve to spend money on food that I will eat because I think it is a waste of money (and food). I don’t think I deserve nice clothes. I don’t think I deserve peoples’ kindness and attention. So…deserving care? I don’t think so.
I know this is harsh, even I can see that…but it is sooo entrenched in me that I don’t know how to get around it. I mean, I am supposed to challenge it and ultimately, retrain my brain. But sometimes, I am so stuck in my core beliefs that I just don’t know how to break out of them.
So, I am going to ignore the homework and write about Callie instead.
Callie is one of the Direct Care staff here. We have a rotation of 5ish regular direct care staff and they are all very good. It seems as though Hilltop is quite particular about who they hire and the level of education the people have. Some of the direct care staff people are even therapists. I think all of them have Master’s degrees and if not, are working on their Master’s (though I haven’t actually asked everybody so I don’t know for sure.) Anyway, there are a few that I am really attracted to, that seem like good fits for me, though honestly, they are all approachable.
Callie has turned out to be the person that I reach out to the most. I really like her, she is very “real” and honest and caring. I like the way she thinks, I like her insights and I actually feel like I have made a connection with her, which is huge for me. I have let her into my little world. Again, huge. I really feel like I can talk with her and that she hears me.
I don’t know all the details, but aside from working here, Callie has been going to school and this fall, she is doing an internship, supervised by Kyla, in addition to her work hours. And so, as I have connected with Callie, she mentioned something about sitting in on a session with me and Kyla. And so, if everything works out today, she will. I am good with this as it will help Callie know me better and further our relationship.
Also, I am supposed to read my trauma narrative to Callie this morning in prep for reading it this afternoon for Sexual Healing. Since I am so ashamed of some of the stuff in my narrative and since it is soooo revealing, I am afraid that I will skip parts of it. Well…I desperately want to skip parts of it, which would not be very productive. So, if Callie knows what is in it, she can help me be accountable. (She will be in the group taking notes, which is one of the parts of the Direct Care job.)
And thus, I have officially integrated Callie into Hilltop Team Heidi.
Just saying Hilltop Team Heidi makes me miss my home Team Heidi. But I think the Hilltop Team is as strong as as the home team, so I am very lucky.