Oh…and I totally forgot…So, today is a bad body image day for me. It actually started last night…Or really, Tuesday.
Tuesday, I went on the Meal Challenge where a dietitian takes a handful of us on a restaurant outing for lunch. It went as well as could be expected….I mean, I ate at a restaurant, I enjoyed some of the food, I felt anxious and guilty. And I worried about the impact (i.e. gaining weight) from the trip.
Tuesday afternoon, we had Snack Challenge, for which I had to eat a doughnut.
Tuesday evening, I had a dinner date with one of my peers.
Last night, I ate left-overs from the evening dinner.
And then I had yoga. And when I was sitting there in yoga, I looked down at my stomach and I could tell that it was bigger. And I looked at my thighs and they were totally bigger. And I felt very self-conscious and embarrassed. Now, I know that technically, my body wasn’t bigger…I can intellectualize that. But my distorted sense of self saw that I am fatter.
This morning, I was obsessing about what to wear and hating my body. I had a full outfit on and was sure that everything didn’t fit right. And I was in my closet going to pick out a different outfit, but couldn’t figure out what to wear because none of it would be better. I would still be ugly and fat. I am still ugly and fat.
I just am convinced that everything I eat will make me fat…Like, every single bite of food. My dietitian and I talk about this a lot. That it is not actually true, that it is a manifestation of my ED. And still, I can’t shake it…I know that eating will make me fat.
I really wish I could count calories. And weigh myself. I just need to know what is going on with my body.