Yesterday morning did not go as planned. Callie had a different obligation and did not make it in to Hilltop until after lunch. My whole plan of reading her my narrative, talking about my fears about presenting it, etc. was totally blown to pieces. And of course, there was no sitting in on my session with Kyla. I struggled with this turn of events. Of course, my core beliefs were triggered, that I am worthless and not important, that I am can’t trust anybody or count on anybody, that’s what I get for being vulnerable and reaching out to someone. And I kind of sorted through the core beliefs and eventually worked my way to my feelings. I felt hurt that she had another obligation. I felt disappointed that she wasn’t going to be there. And I felt scared that my plan of working with her to manage my anxiety didn’t go the way I wanted.
And of course, I didn’t actually talk about any of this during my appointment with Kyla. Nor did I talk about any of it with Callie.
Ultimately, just before group, I got a very mini-version of what I planned on with Callie and it was helpful.
The Trauma Narrative
So, presenting the trauma narrative was horrific. I made it through and I did not die of shame, even though I was sure I would. I did get supportive feedback which reduced my shame and I did leave feeling better than when I went in.
Now, I have a peer who says things she shouldn’t, so she sat with me this morning and listed all the people who had had a difficult time with my narrative (as in were struggling after the session.) I didn’t really need to hear that. But…whatever. This peer actually says lots of things that are upsetting or triggering to me (and it actually takes a lot to trigger me, but she always seems to hit my sensitive spots) and seems to have no awareness. So, that was kind of hard.
But anyway…the trauma narrative from when I was 4 is done. I am sure I will get to process it lots more in therapy, but presenting it in the group is done.
And Callie? Callie was there in the group, and I totally was comforted by her presence. And her being there and having read parts of the narrative right before group (I had her read the parts that would be hardest for me to not skip, so that she could call me out on it if I needed it) really did help me stay accountable. And I also knew that she had read the parts and not hated me, so hopefully no one else would hate me either.
And this morning, I feel super depressed and sad and raw. It’s just a typical day at PHP.