Go ahead, invalidate me. I’m used to it.
So, I am still a wreck. I don’t feel so deeply depressed as earlier this week, nor is my PTSD anywhere near as activated….But I am still barely hanging on by a thread and really unable to manage much. At least this morning, I remembered deodorant, which is an improvement over the past week.
Yesterday, at programming, I got upset because I felt misunderstood about something (about what is engaging or not engaging in recovery oriented behavior). I get frustrated sometimes because everything is judged as, “This must be your ED talking and trying to be manipulative. This is not you being genuine.” You know what? Not everything in my world is run by my ED. <gasp> I know…How can that be? I mean, my whole life and being is an ED, right? Yup, I am a completely one-dimensional walking eating disorder (can you hear the dripping sarcasm?). So, I felt unheard and judged and so I cried. Only, I wasn’t able to bounce back from the crying, so I sat there and cried for the whole hour of that group.
You know what? I work really hard to make recovery focused choices. And I don’t feel anywhere near as wedded to the ED as I used to be. I know it is tenuous, but at the moment, I feel like I am mostly in charge. And I don’t feel like my ED is sitting on my shoulder whispering to me. I’m not saying it is gone, but it is more like it is in a chair near me, watching my every move and making snide comments and offering “solutions” to my problems…but it is not perched under my ear and constantly funneling “advice”straight into my ear.
I don’t feel like anyone understands or recognizes that. And even if they did, they would say, “Well, that’s probably your ED talking and trying to trick you into thinking you are in charge.” But what if it isn’t? I mean the goal of all this treatment is to get me making more decisions from my Self. From my actual core being. What if it is starting to work? Look, I’m not saying I’m perfect, and I’m not saying that I don’t want to restrict or that I wasn’t skipping snacks and under-portioning meals just a handful of days ago…But I am saying that I think I am getting better and I really could use some support in that.
And you know what? I’m going to screw up. I am going to backslide and have really bad meals and probably really bad days and handfuls of bad days. That is why I am still in closely monitored treatment. But I feel like my progress is barely recognized and questioned. And that no one understands that I am not in some glorified, “I’ve got this” sort of state. I feel more realistic than that. But look….I am making progress. I can make decisions based on me. Why can’t anyone see and support me in that?
It’s funny though…Some of my peers do see it. Maybe it’s because they have known me longer and seen my progress. I don’t know.
All I know is that I feel like the staff totally doesn’t understand me and that when I need recognition and support for making progress and trying to do the right things, I am torn down and questioned and invalidated. It hurts.
The one person who is beginning to understand me, my new therapist, she is never there. I see her twice a week for an hour. She only works three days a week. I feel like I can’t get the support I need from her. And I don’t have any back-up support people like I did at PHP. I just feel alone and lost. Hell…I just feel abandoned. I want connection and support, and I can’t find connection and support.
And my dietitian? Forget it. I have written but not yet posted a blog entry about her use of the word,”ridiculous” to describe some of my ED stuff. I was offended and hurt and felt totally judged. And I haven’t posted it because I have been trying to figure out if I am just being oversensitive. You know what? I don’t need to filter myself. It’s my blog, I can say what I want. Here is that post, I wrote it Tuesday:
deserving or inviting derision or mockery; absurd.
I have to be very careful right now because I am really trying to figure something out. And I am feeling very…ummm….judged. I think sometimes that words choices make a huge statement about what someone is saying. In treatment here, the nuances of wording is often point out, because what you say and the words you can used to say it can be very telling…indicative as to what you are really feeling or what you may be minimizing or how you really see something.
Yesterday, the word ridiculous was used twice to describe aspects of my eating disorder. The first time, I just sort of caught the word. The second time, I was staring at some purple candy in my hand, my orthorexia was crooning to me, my brain was saying, “This won’t actually kill me,” and I was resisting the urge to eat the tiny Nerds one by one. Eating them that way would have felt safer to me. FYI, eating Nerds one-by-one counts as an food “ritual” if you have an eating disorder. And as I was working on this exposure and fiddling with my Nerds in my hand, I confessed my urge to eat them one-by-one. And somewhere along there, the term “ridiculous” was used to in a sentence to describe my behavior.
Ridiculous. It didn’t feel very compassionate. By no means do I want coddling or babying, but respect and compassion? Yes, I at the very least, expect respect. Sitting there struggling with Nerds….Did I need judgment (because I felt really judged) or compassion? I do have an eating disorder. I do engage in irrational thought processes about food, calories, exercise, food dyes (i.e. purple Nerds) etc. I understand that everything I say and do does not always make sense. I am also working my damnedest to overcome these compulsions. And it is fucking hard work. But when it comes down to brass tacks, I have a mental illness. It is not a cop-out to say that. Which you know if you know me. But it is the truth, I have a diagnosed eating disorder, i.e. a mental illness.
So…Ridiculous. Is my behavior ridiculous? Is it deserving mockery? I don’t think so. Is it absurd? This one is trickier. My thoughts and behaviors are disordered and at times irrational. But absurd? Isn’t that kind of loaded with judgment?
Okay…So, I am processing this all out because the person who used the word ridiculous, is my new dietitian. And I am trying to figure out if her using that word is truly disrespectful or if I am just being too sensitive. Or maybe there’s a little bit of both. I don’t know. It felt disrespectful. Maybe that’s all I need. My gut says that telling someone that their behavior/thoughts are ridiculous, especially as that person is actively, like in the moment, trying to practice a new behavior, is just not respectful.
Or I am being too sensitive?
Oh yeah, and speaking of my eating disorder, I am sooo really struggling right now. I am just an emotional wreck and that has spiked some ED behaviors and I am not happy about it.
Okay…so that’s the post. I know the “right” thing to do is to talk to my dietitian. But I feel like she is kind of judgey and won’t understand me. I don’t know…several things about my appointment on Monday were misses on her part. I don’t really feel like trying to connect with her. As a matter of fact, I just plain want a new dietitian.
I just wish something at IOP was easy because I am getting sick of floundering.