It’s like every time I get on board with blogging…I get interrupted in the flow. But as of this week, I think I can be much more consistent with my blogging because I am going to have more free time.
Tomorrow, I start my first day of the intensive outpatient program (IOP). IOP is significantly less demanding in terms of program time. Instead of being in programming for 10-12 hours a day 7 days a week (although the past few weeks I have been having weekends off so was only there 5 days/week) I will be in programming 4ish hours a day 5 days a week. The meal system changes too. At PHP, as you go through the levels, you become more responsible for your meals. At IOP, you are responsible for all of your meals and only have one supervised meal a day. And that meal is something you bring in yourself.
So, I am going to have more free time, more meal responsibility and less programming. This part of the program is going to be the most challenging and the most work out of all the levels I have been in so far. I am a little scared.
Of course, the change of programming means a change of treatment team (again!). I am truly fortunate, in that my psychiatric NP from home is picking me up for psych stuff while I am in IOP. Since I adore and trust her, I really couldn’t be happier about it. However, I will have a new therapist and dietician. I have met them both and I really like the therapist and Kyla highly recommends her. I actually ran into Meg a few days ago and she also thinks the new therapist will be a good fit. <phew> The new dietician though….I have met her and….Let’s just say, I am highly skeptical. And I am really frustrated because I felt like she was questioning my integrity and also wanting to over-support me.
My PHP dietician at Hilltop has been very hands-off with me for the past couple of weeks. I got thrown into my first solo-weekend day with no support from my dietician, but I made do. After that, I expressed concerns about portioning and food-anxiety, etc. and my dietician kept telling me that I was doing fine and that it wasn’t a problem. She didn’t review a menu with me, didn’t ask me what I was eating…She just reassured me that I knew what I was doing and to keep doing it. Okay…So, I did. Honestly, she was totally missing me on my need for support, but I muddled through, kept asking for support and not getting it and then just saying, “Fuck it” and doing it on my own.
Now the new dietician wants me to track every meal and send her daily “Honesty Logs.” This is when I got mad. First of all, I have never had to do an Honesty Log. Those logs are reserved for people who lie, deceive, and try to cut corners without telling their team. I am totally insulted that I have been asked to do Honesty Logs. I have a lot of integrity and am always honest with my team. I don’t lie or try to deceive my team.
And….If I was given so much autonomy by PHP dietician, who repeatedly assured me that I know what I am doing and was totally hands-off with my independent meals and meal planning, then why do I have to be micro-managed now? Argh! I am so annoyed. The new dietician tried to explain it was to better use our appointment time so that we weren’t talking about food and what I had and how it went, but so we could do more important stuff. ????? Hello??? Does this make any sense? I am in ED treatment. Talking about food and how meal planning and eating is going seems kind of important to me.
Sooo….I am skeptical. Of course, the most annoying thing is that I was pissed at our transition meeting and she knew it. I told her that I would consider whether or not I would do “Honesty Logs” and if I decided I would, then we would not be calling them “Honesty” logs. I am not sure she knew what to make of that. Ummm…and I don’t know exactly how I did at making a good first impression. 😦
Oh…and one last thing about IOP. It is in an ugly place. I mean that literally. Both the residential program and PHP program have been tucked in woods, peaceful, serene….Deliciously soothing to mind and body.
IOP? It’s in a totally more urban area and it overlooks a parking lot, McDonald’s, Krispy Creme and gas station. And the view just past all that is the highway.
I don’t like change.