I am depressed. I hope this is exacerbation is short because I haven’t felt this depressed in a while. I just want give up on everything and go home. Trauma? I can just say I don’t have any. Eating disorder? I am sure it is fine (if you ignore this past weekend when I wasn’t feeling well.) I don’t need the therapy and programming here, I can be fine without it. I just want to go home where everything is normal. I can try to keep myself together without relapsing. I mean, I have to go home at some point? Right?
Last week, I told my therapist that I had high flight urges and she told me she was glad I hadn’t left. But she doesn’t even know me….Why/how is she glad?
Ugh. I just want to run away.
Did you know that I have stopped crying? I just can’t let myself cry anymore. This concerns me because I feel like I am moving backwards. I didn’t shed a tear when I left all my friends at PHP. I didn’t shed a tear when I said good-bye to Kyla or to my self-assigned adjunct therapist, Callie. Nope. No tears anymore. I am done with feeling.
I am so tired inside. I just want to numb it all.
This weekend was hard too because I had a lot of intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. And something I found very disturbing was that some of my intrusive thoughts were from other people’s stories. I have heard some pretty awful stories of other people’s trauma here. I mean, things that you just would never fathom would happen to people. Can I be traumatized by other people’s stories? And why now? Why am I coming unglued now?
And I feel so much pressure from the IOP program right now. We are supposed to find a job, get a volunteer position or take some sort of class within three weeks of starting IOP. I have applied to three jobs and not heard back. The volunteering that I would most like to do is human services (like hospice) but those programs require background checks and training and by the time I got through all that, I would be pretty much done here. Classes? I was told they could be as simple as classes at Michael’s….but they all cost money and require supplies that cost more money. The best I have done is found some programming at some local libraries, like Knit Night kind of things…But that doesn’t help occupy my time during the days….And I feel this incredible pressure because now I have two weeks left and no leads.
And I can’t handle any of it anymore. None.
This is not a good Monday.