Let’s just say that this week has not gone well. Yesterday was another day where I just…well….You know, I don’t even know what my problem is. But yesterday, I walked out of a group because I just couldn’t bear to have one more “teachable moment.” I know that my interaction and coping skills are not perfect. I’m trying to correct that, but at the moment, I just fumble and screw up and kind of try to figure out what works. And some days go far worse than others. But because we are in group therapy all the time, we have to talk about and process this stuff all the time.
Yesterday, I was pushed to say why I had been reactive to something a facilitator said rather than tell the facilitator that what I felt about what she said. (Something akin to yesterday’s rant about the word “ridiculous” only this time, the person referred to something I was struggling with as me playing a “game”. Which hurt, because I was actually struggling….and it’s long and complicated and I don’t feel like hashing the whole situation out right now.) So, I looked at the facilitator, and I thought to myself, “Why didn’t I tell her how I felt? Because I can’t always do that, because that particular person intimidates me and I didn’t want to confront her, because I struggle with stating my feelings, because I am afraid of saying the wrong things (although that ship has long since sailed), because I was already overwhelmed and shutting down and unable to process.” And all of those reasons let me to the conclusion that I hadn’t told her how I felt because I am a failure for not being able to do all the right things. So, when asked why I had been reactive vs. telling her how I felt, I just crashed internally and said, “Because I suck.” and I got up and walked out of the group.
After crying for a little bit, I did go back and sat in the back of the room. And as I felt better, I moved back up to the group.
And now I feel utterly humiliated and like I made of fool out of myself. I didn’t mean to crack under the pressure. I didn’t mean to be rude and walk out. But, OMG, I was sooo far past my max emotional tolerance….Seriously, I had nothing left. And it wasn’t just about yesterday. I have been pretty much at my max for days. Everything this week has basically been overly challenging and then I have had to process it and it has bee really, really hard. So, the last group on a Friday afternoon? I should have just kept my mouth shut and sat there.
I don’t think I can really relay the shame I feel. Honestly, I am a breath away from packing all of my stuff up and driving home. And I don’t mean that figuratively or as a drama statement…I just don’t know how else to cope. I feel like I am not getting the support I need (as evidenced by multiple crash-and-burns this week as well as a serious mood plunge) and I don’t know how to get more support. I mean, I can ask for more support, but I doubt that is going to make a difference. But something isn’t working and I feel like it is making me emotionally worse. I am not even holding my own…I am moving backwards.
So, why am I doing all this suffering here? If I am not getting better, then I may as well just go home. There’s no point to me staying here. At least if I am home, I can be miserable with my own family and dogs and everything that is familiar. I think it is worse being miserable here, I have nothing to comfort me.
Shit….this has been a bad week.