I am really struggling right now and everything I am feeling is overwhelming me. It’s like I can’t get any break from my emotional intensity and I am just cracking under the strain. I don’t know how to manage all of it without feeling like I am losing my shit completely. The strain is so much that my brain isn’t working right and I drop things, and I stare at my phone and can’t remember how to use aps, and I can’t do much outside of programming other than just isolate in my room.
I am not self-harming to manage my feelings, though I would really like to because in the short run it makes me feel lots better. But I am not doing it and that makes things really hard. I am also not using my emotional pain as an excuse to engage more in ED behaviors. I am struggling with the same behaviors I was struggling with before this emotional overwhelm started.
I am using peers for support, although the level of support I need right now is not appropriate to foist off on my peers. I also sometimes think that using other emotionally damaged people for support is sort of limited in its effectiveness. How much support can I get from people who are as fucked-up as I am?
I have noticed, what is perhaps a trend, in which I tend to have a PTSD exacerbation on Friday evenings. It has happened two Fridays in a row now. I have flashbacks and intrusive thoughts and hypervigilance. I can’t fall asleep and then I sleep fitfully and wake up repeatedly. Then the intrusive thoughts and images continue all weekend and I am exhausted and feel like shit from being poorly rested.
I need a go-to person when you aren’t there. Or I need to figure out a way to see you on Fridays. Of course, this isn’t an option because you don’t work on Fridays and I don’t think you do outpatient work like some of the other therapists do.
I have thought about doing a weekly outpatient session with Kyla to get me an extra bit of support, since she does them. But when I asked her about it 3 or 4 weeks ago, she wasn’t taking more clients. But more importantly, I think that seeing her would be a hindrance to our relationship. I know that I would save things to talk to her about that I should be addressing with you. I also should probably stick with you because your style is very similar to the AT’s style. Kyla’s style is so markedly different from you two that it is like comparing apples and pinecones. It is taking me time to step away from Kyla’s style and adjust to yours. It will be a smooth transition from you to the AT, which will be important when I go home.
What I need is help. I don’t even know if I will need it for a long time, maybe it is part of the transition, or maybe I should just stick it out as-is and things will get better. But I feel like I am getting worse instead of better. I am not even holding my own. Several days ago, I felt like I was floundering. Now, I feel like I am drowning.
Something is not working and I feel like I really need support.