Hollow

If I am distracted, I am pretty much okay.  I know I am kind of withdrawn when distracted, but I can manage.  But once I am not distracted, the depression just slams me and I am totally not okay.

I went shopping with the woman I live with yesterday. More to the point, she went shopping and I tagged along (she invited me). She went to these higher end clothing stores and bought a beautiful evening gown at one store and then an outfit for a cocktail party at another store.  At the second store, I fell in love with a blue, velvety, embroidered tunic (which would have been a knee-length dress on me) top.  I couldn’t stop wanting it…even the woman I live with looked at it and said, “That’s a Heidi-shirt!”  It was expensive to start, but 50% off…and still expensive.  It’s neither here nor there though, they didn’t have my size, only a smaller size.  I spent the rest of my time in the store wishing my body was smaller and contemplating how I could achieve making my body smaller…It was not a good path for my brain.

We got home and I was drained.  I didn’t have any energy to make dinner, so I had a fluffernutter and some blackberries and a huge mug of my not-coffee. It was probably not a dinner that met my meal plan.

Then, the friend I was supposed to get together with after dinner cancelled. I was alone at home, and I could feel the depression just crushing me.  All I wanted to do was retreat to my isolation zone, but the dogs were out and about and I didn’t have the energy to put the puppy in her kennel, so I put on my pajamas, did my laundry, did some homework, sent out a couple of emails.  It was low key. And I was just depressed the whole time.

Now it is morning.  I dreamed last night that I was weighed and saw my weight. I want nothing more than to weight myself on the way to shower.  Would it matter if I did?  Why do we spend so much energy trying to hide my weight from me?  Why can’t I just know?  If I knew, then I could be more at ease with where I am with my eating disorder.

Of course, to weigh myself, I’d actually have to get out of bed.  I need to get out of bed, I want to go to UU, I need to try to function, I am getting together with a peer sometime later today, I need to shower, I need to move.  And yet, I am still in bed, the depression holds me down as if I had wet sacks of sand on me.  And the idea of rallying and making it to UU is beyond exhausting.  I’ve already been laying here this way for almost an hour…It is almost impossible to get going because I have no initiative.

I think this depression has become a problem.  This weekend, I had planned to do things differently, but yesterday was not a good start, I ended up missing yoga, I didn’t get together with peers (I had two opportunities to do so), I felt smothered by depression, I went shopping but felt hollow the whole time, I lied to my peers to get out of socializing, and I didn’t care about anything. I will try to do differently today, but I am afraid that no matter what I do, I will just feel hollow and dead inside.

Okay.  I have to get out of bed.  If I am going to try to do differently today, I have to get up.

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