It is possible that the edge has been taken off of my depression. I always hate this part of relief from my depression, because I never know if it is actually going to last. It is frustrating because I had felt such a substantial decrease in my depression over the past few months that this exacerbation has been really hard. And…as I start to feel better, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Will I continue to feel better? Will I crash again? How soon will I crash again? It’s like I can’t have hope that feeling better may last. I also think that the improvement is so delicate that it would take very little to push me right back down.
My PTSD was active again over the weekend, but not as bad as it had been. One of my peers actually asked about it yesterday, and I felt really touched. Like…she actually heard how much I was struggling and cared enough to check in with me about it. It kind of made me all warm and fuzzy inside.
Grace would probably use that interaction to illustrate the point that connecting with people is good for me…But one positive interaction with one peer does not prove the point. Mostly, I just can’t accept what my peers say as supportive. I mean, I have been doing this group therapy stuff so long now that I have heard the support over and over again. Lots of it is just words with no follow-through. And at this point, the support just never makes me feel better. So, why bother? And Grace doesn’t listen to me when I tell her there’s no point in talking about my struggles in group. She has some very strong ideas about me needing connection. I have some very strong ideas about it too. If you can imagine, our ideas are kind of at each end of the spectrum.
Truthfully, connection just doesn’t seem safe to me. I don’t want to put myself out there, I don’t want to be vulnerable, I don’t want to be disappointed. Shit…that’s probably just me stuck in old patterns and then reinforcing them with my
stubborness fear of being disappointed and hurt.
Today, programming doesn’t start until 3. I am feeling the loneliness of the before-programming-time already and it is only 8:30. This is the depression litmus test. Either I will start to feel like shit or I will hold my own until 3. I do have an errand to run because my nutritionist wants me to add some cookies into my meal plan. Cookies!!! I think she is trying to kill me via my anxiety!
Come to think, I have two little projects started (projects make me very happy) and maybe I can get a couple of supplies while I am out to keep working on them. I also have homework to do today…That will keep my mind occupied too. I am working on my treatment challenges/goals/objectives for the next month and I also have three writing pieces to do: What is the status of my body image right now?, What do I need both internally and externally while doing trauma work? and How does denying I have needs keep me stuck?
Yikes! So much processing to do. It is overwhelming just writing it down.